These Wishes Are Nothing Like Stars

I haven’t quite been able to put it into words, but I talked with my therapist today and I think I did okay.

When Carrie and I split, I braced myself immediately for the impact. I tried to be brave and look at the consequences I had earned. I knew that our relationship might end. I even knew that it wasn’t going well and wasn’t healthy and that maybe in some weird way it might be the best thing for me. I could deal with all that. I knew what she meant to me. Nothing could simply erase that.

Then, when she did what she did. Ran off with this guy after 2 weeks. It suddenly felt like a repeat of our relationship. Getting together a short while after her and her ex split up. Suddenly her codependency reared it’s head in a big way. Suddenly everything was in shadows, in doubt.

The longer she stuck with this choice the more and more it seemed to cheapen our relationship. The more she put up with this asshole the more it felt like maybe I was one too.

At first as months passed I kept telling myself, this can’t keep happening this can’t keep going on. It’s doomed from the start right? It’s nothing like our relationship right?

I spent 10 years (maybe more) hopelessly in love with Carrie. I still love her. Not in that fond, girl I used to know way, but seriously. I know my feelings were not only powerful, but genuine and true to myself. The one thing I didn’t doubt for all that time was that she loved me back. Even if it didn’t work out.

When I saw how powerful her codependency was, how deeply it could affect her. It shook my foundations. Did she ever love me? Was I really what I thought I was? Worthy of love? She was the one person I ever loved unabashedly, and to think of the mere concept that our relationship might be a lie, that I simply mis-read that for 1/3rd of my life. Meant I knew nothing. Nothing was sacred, nothing was safe. There was no love if that was true. Because if that wasn’t it, I don’t know that it exists.

I hated the doubt and I told myself from a logical standpoint, of course we loved each other, of course it was genuine, it wouldn’t have gone the route that it did if it wasn’t. But that trembling doubt was always hovering in my mind.

When her rebound finally played itself out, I got a little bit of information here and there. Nobody liked this guy, nobody thought it was a good idea. Nobody was rooting for them. I think back to when we were dating, and meeting her friends and making them my friends. They didn’t stick around when we split but I’m fairly confident they liked me and thought I was good for her. They could tell I really cared, and vice versa.

I can’t tell you how it centered my life, my mind, my universe. If that didn’t work, if she couldn’t repeat the magic trick. Then it was real. I knew all along but I just kept going back to it like a sore tooth. Maybe it was all a lie. Maybe she’s a terrible person and I’m a terrible judge of character.

I guess it was shitty of me to doubt all that. To doubt what I knew to be true. When the doubt was washed away, my anger went with it. I still love her, I hope she gets what she needs out of this experience. I still haven’t quite found out if I’m supposed to be in the picture anymore. As a friend, a husband, a date, or just an acquaintance. It seems too early to tell.

I got the divorce papers, it seems that the easiest path is to simply ‘not respond’ what I’m essentially doing is surrendering. Just doing a default and saying to the courts “give her whatever she wants”. Since I don’t think she wants anything (and I have nothing to give). It all seems a moot point. I think in this way I don’t have to do anything or file anything. Neither of us really want anything anyway, so whatever gets it done.

I know there’s a 6 month waiting period, we’ve already waited a year, so I don’t know. I do know with that on the clock that I’ll be thinking about it and when 2016 starts it will be completely done. I don’t know what to think about that. I don’t know if I’m happy for her to eventually find what she deserves, or miserable that I blew it with someone who meant the world to me. Both I guess.

I can deal with a breakup, with failing. I can deal with reaping what I sow. I earned that, I deserve it. But I couldn’t live in this world thinking that our love wasn’t real. Now, at least, I feel that it is. It doesn’t make all the pain go away, but it makes it a lot easier to carry.

I miss her.