This Double Sided Destiny

I tend to only write when something is going down, something is bad or intense, or really good. So when things are just fine or even good I tend to kind of coast on it.

Things have been strange. My feelings are floating and disconnected. Case in point, I haven’t thought about Carrie or our relationship in quite a while. Then after the divorce papers, I couldn’t get it out of my head. I was consumed with her coming up again and again. Then I made plans to talk finally. Now it’s gone again. Maybe because I have a plan, but it’s strange nevertheless.

I keep asking myself if I’m being an idiot, if I escaped from a bad situation, an immature person, and I should count my blessings and live this new life that’s shaping up to be pretty excellent. Or am I different kind of idiot, that had real love, and has spent a year pushing it away because I couldn’t deal with how she coped. Now that the playing field isn’t swaying from under my feet, I feel more lost than ever. More confused.

I had it eating up a lot of attention and I felt that I had to make a decision. Leave her alone and keep going. Or reach out and at least see what’s possible. I’ve been so disappointed, time and again, my heart quivers in anticipation of being hurt again. I’ve lost the thread of where I wanted to go. First it was anything to get her back, then it was anything to let her go. Now I feel settled in the middle somewhere.

After weeks of deliberation and therapy, I tried to do what my therapist suggested. Which is to be ready for whatever comes. The only control I can exert is on myself, and therefore, I need to be okay with a yes, a no, a good, a bad. If I can’t deal with it going any direction at all, I shouldn’t open the door. I feel pretty much okay. I’ve felt positive and more confident lately. I feel like I’m starting to see a life unfold before me. But love isn’t there, it’s been a year and I still can’t really picture loving anyone or getting serious. I know there’s plenty of time in life for that to happen.

I think about my emotions with Carrie, how my heart can still ache that she’s gone, that I can want to share a life with her. The practical side of things rears its head, that we had problems, serious problems and that we wanted different things from life. Is there a way through that, I’m not sure. I’ve done my best to get distance and perspective, to not make any decision because I’m lonely or scared. I want to go in self-aware, with my eyes open, and with dignity.

I do feel more like I could deal with things happening either way. I know I’ll survive, I know I’ll make it regardless and life will go on. I guess I’ve always had the problem of leaving things unfinished. I would rather break up all the way than leave a sliver of hope that it might still work out. I can’t stand not knowing. Rather than go in with a bunch of predictions and expectations, I’m trying to be focus on being present, in the moment. To be honest, really honest, without being afraid of what that might do to me. I’m not sure I’m at the level of Zen required for that, but I’ll damn well try.

If we were both full of some hard learned lessons, some wisdom and growth. I think we could tackle so much more together. I find it hard to take her journey seriously. Although it’s easier now that she is at least trying a life on her own. I respect that she’s finally doing it, that she’s never done it before. I wonder sometimes and I doubt because for all I know she is still dating JJ or is sleeping around left and right. I don’t even have the right to ask so it’s something I hope for the best on.

I don’t want to derail her growth either, to be a codependent carrot dangling at the end of her newly discovered independence.

A year ago I promised myself that I would try if it was hopeless, show loyalty when none had been shown to me. That would be my penance. That would be my price. To be the bigger person in every way on every level. I didn’t even know what that meant at the time. I think I do now. I guess I feel things slipping through my fingers and rolling downhill. So I’ll meet with her, have coffee, be honest, kind, happy and genuine and see what I get back. If it seems there’s more to find after that so be it, if it leaves me shaken and unhappy, that’s an answer too. I’m tired of having a plan for everything. I’ll just meet and keep living. Let’s see.