Divorce and Closure

Letter from Carrie –


Hello Adam,

I hope you are well.  With our divorce becoming finalized soon I wanted to check in with you to see if you would find it helpful to meet one last time married for closure.  I would only want to do this if we could meet without triggering each other or set either of us back in our healing and processing. My therapist suggested a divorce ceremony or ritual where we honor the time we had, thank one another for the blessings we brought to each other, and if ready, let each other go with love. I understand if this does not appeal to you, and I understand if you still need more time to process.  My goal is not to rush you but to see how and if we can provide closure for us in this difficult time.

Carrie


I don’t know what to say. I’ll write it here instead.

The last thing you told me is that you don’t want me in your life. As much as I’m obligated to respect your wishes I don’t want to. I want you in my life. If i have to be really honest with myself. I never wanted to break up, to get divorced. I never wanted to fight. Even after everything that’s happened I would have tried again. I would have at least given it a shot. The time, the almost two years doesn’t really matter. I married you because I intended to see it through. It’s how I felt then. Now after I’ve been dragged through Hell I still miss you. I’m angry, hurt. I’ve given up on ever hearing from you again. I’ve accepted it. I’ve done my best to move on.

I thought I might never hear from you again. I had kind of resigned myself to that. The last thing you told me is that you and your therapist think it’s best we’re not friends and that we don’t talk. As much as I resent your therapist and you for allowing her to make your choices. I’ve come to realize it’s probably the right move, the only thing that will make this pain eventually stop.

I can’t miss you anymore. I can’t think about it anymore. I’ve been so afraid that when I finally turn you off. Delete you from my mind that you would stay deleted. That we’d never be friends and that I’d never see you again. It ripped me apart 1000 times to think of that as even a vague possibility. Now it’s the only reality I have, the only hope I have left is to forget. The only way I’ll ever have a life worth living is to get rid of the one that has you in it.

Please know that I tried everything to keep you in my mind, in my heart, in my thoughts. When I tried to be your friend, to keep a dialogue open. It was because I hoped someday we could be real friends. I hoped for more than that to be honest. Which makes my motives kind of disingenuous. I see that and I’m sorry I wasn’t just honest earlier so we could both do what we needed to do.

The truth is I love you, and I love you too much. I can’t live my life, or date, or care or work or eat or breathe when I think about how much I love you and how much you must hate me. Or at least how much you wanted out of this. I feel like I pulled you through hell in order to stay by my side, and sometimes I think my 2 years is just a different version of what I put you through. Truth is, you probably deserve someone better. Someone active, honest, fun, kind, helpful and hard working. I wanted so much to be that person for you. I’m just still me and still human. I’ve tried to turn it around. I’m sure I’ll be a better partner for whoever ends up being mine. I’m sure I’ll still think of you and see your face for a long time. Even when someone else is there.

I  can’t see you. I can’t honor what we had. I’ve been doing that for this whole time. Working my ass off, going to therapy, self-improvement. Constant reflection. It was to either be the person that would win you back or become a person that doesn’t need to. You’ve given me the only option and I have to take it. I’ve told myself for a really long time that I don’t need you. That I don’t have to have you in my life to be a whole, happy and healthy person. I suppose I’ll have to really start trying to believe that, by living it. I can’t honor what we had because I still see myself in it, I still want you to be by my side. If that’s really not what you want then I’m just hurting both of us.

I wish I could just shrug off all these things you don’t want to see or hear and give you what you want. IfI could suck it up and at least pretend for one hour to simply miss us, and to be over it. I would. If I were to sit across from you and talk about us.; It wouldn’t be to honor what we had. It would just be to see your face one more time.  That’s not honest and it’s not what you want. I’m sorry I can’t give you more. I’m only human. I miss you. I love you.

 

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