In Sleep I Slip My Dagger Into Silence

Lately at the end of the night or the beginning of the day, laying in bed and letting my thoughts wander, they have been returning to Carrie. There’s so much more going on and I feel like I should be thinking of her less than ever. But I still do, and it still hurts.

If you read back over my many posts, you can probably count how many times I’ve tried to “unplug” or “disconnect” from any communication with her. How many times it was the last time we might ever talk. For me a turning point was changing my phone number. I’ve had the same one for about 12 years and now that my work is willing to pay my bill i opted to have one less bill in my life.

Along with that I had to send messages to ALL my friends saying “hi here’s my new number” I elected not to send it to Carrie. I didn’t give her my new number. She doesn’t have it. I can’t tell you what that means to me. To really wipe her off the possibility of casual contact. I assume if she really needed to reach me she could ask a friend, or email me, or unblock me on facebook. So if anything important comes up I’m sure she’ll figure it out.

This was big for me. It was setting down the proverbial stone I’ve been carrying around. It meant that there probably wouldn’t be any contact for a long time. If i’m not initiating it, she probably won’t anytime soon. I guess that’s what I’ve realized, is that I’m the one hanging onto this and she has moved on. It’s time for me to really accept that and do the same.

I find myself in Love. Things with Jessie have continued to progress. I feared for so long that I might NEVER love again. Even now it’s a delicate thing, a scary thing, a more tempered version. One of the thing we’ve talked about and dealt with several times is the “Poly” lifestyle. She is very intent on not having one partner, not getting trapped into a 1 on 1 relationship again. I have a hard time figuring out sometimes if it’s just because of her past or if she really found her stride in this relationship type. I have to admit it makes more and more sense to me.

At first poly seemed to be a wild ride, a way to have multiple girlfriends or not totally commit. It was a defense mechanism. As I’m slowly growing and maturing with multiple relationships I’ve come to realize what it could mean as a lifestyle as an ongoing thing. There’s a fear there for certain, of losing your partner, of not having someone ‘committed’ to you until they die. I don’t know I suppose poly people do get married and then continue to be poly, so maybe you can have your cake and eat it too.

The foundational idea that you can love more than one person at once is a difficult one. I love Bonnie in a different way, it’s more fondness than passion and I love our friendship and how easy it is to be with her. We can let loose in a way I can’t with anyone else. With Jessie it’s certainly more passionate and at the forefront. While this is happening, while we’re both expressing our love for each other and smiling like idiots at each other, we’re both going on dates as well. Why? We’ve committed to not being the other persons ‘only’ partner, neither of us wants the standard monogamous escalator that carries us inevitably toward marriage, death or breakups. We’re trying to honor our choices, I believe, to live a different way. I appreciate that. It’s not to say I don’t feel jealous at times or have difficulties but there it is.

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