Sometimes it’s Sunny When it’s Raining…

It’s raining and it’s been raining nonstop for days. Honestly couldn’t care less. I’m not out in it. I’ve had a good weekend. A lot to cover and I wanted to decompress. This is my therapy and i’m in need of more of that.

Firstly, Jessie and I had a kind of fight. It’s actually taught me a lot. For some background, a month or so ago she told me she was going to ‘hook up’ with her ex boyfriend (Blake) back in LA. She was going for a visit to some friends and was very blunt and honest about what her intentions were. I admire how honest and forthright she is. However it came across as kind of blunt and I didn’t react well. Some of this was jealousy some of it was just feeling that she was being insensitive.

We had a discussion and she told me, it’s just a hookup, there’s no emotional involvement. When she came back, she told me that they didn’t use protection which is a breach of trust for us. We have agreed in the past to be protected with anyone that isn’t tested and a regular partner. So while she’s perfectly within her rights to hookup with whomever she wants, that was a big blow. Also she told me that things had gotten emotional and they would be pursuing some level of relationship. All of it hurt and rubbed me the wrong way. I originally took out my anger and feelings on Blake. Not wanting to blame Jessie I shifted my mistrust and blame to him. It’s kind of a classic guy move, I know.

At the time i swept my feelings under the rug and decided to forgive her. However a month later she told me out of nowhere that she was spending Valentines with Blake. It had nothing to do with the holiday just timing-wise it’s what worked. To be honest i had completely assumed we were going to be hanging out on Valentines. I didn’t ask or check but there was no reason to think anyone else was going to take precedence. It hit me pretty hard, it brought up all the feelings from before. I blamed Blake again in my mind and I got really upset.

At the time I recognized that I was getting more upset than was called for. It was triggering for me I think from a lot of my past experiences with Carrie and other women. I told Jessie that i needed space, I pushed her away and I was kind of rude to her. She was offended and not happy about it. After taking a day or two to cool down I started talking with friends, posting on poly support groups and trying to find the root of my reaction. I also met with Jessie. Luckily I had JUST enough time to kind of figure it out.

I realized that 99 percent of this was insecurity, and trust issues and that 99 percent of it lay within me. When Jessie did make a mistake she told me immediately. Beyond that she had done nothing wrong. Instead I was finding fault, inventing reasons and finding ways to be justified to be angry. This led to a deep introspection where I tried very hard to look at my core, to take ownership of my reactions and my feelings. Acknowledge the source of these problems was the initial breach of trust, and that it cascaded into a lot of dramatic behavior. When we did speak she felt the need to set me straight about a few things.

She is Solo/Poly which means that she doesn’t have a ‘primary’ partner, that I’m not going to live with her, or take precedence over anyone else. I’m her partner, and we love each other. But she owes me no obligation for anything. She doesn’t owe me any holidays, she is under no obligation to see me next week or next month for that matter. She is allowed to date whoever she wants, whenever she wants. She cares about me and my feelings but she is very firm on her independence. I think she had a long 14 year relationship and the feeling of not being ‘tied down’ is next to godliness in her opinion. I do understand, frankly.

Anyway all this had already been said in so many terms but was driven home. I started to doubt our relationship, that I mattered to her, it set me off on another tangent. I had to start looking at what kind of relationship I was signing up for. What we meant to each other what kind of boundaries i would have to lay out for myself to be okay with all of this. I decided that I loved Jessie and that I want it to work. But also that it means honoring what I’ve signed up for. If I’m poly, if I’m having multiple partners and the possibilities of sharing real LOVE with more than one person that I would have to change my paradigm of what a relationship is.

I’ve also realized that I’ve been putting all my eggs in one basket so to speak. Things with Bonni are low key and we’re both busy with our partners who are nearby and so really I just thought of Jessie as my girlfriend and to be honest was living in a little bit of a fantasy about it. I’ve started to renew my interest in dating, in seeing possibilities, and in studying what it means to be in this kind of relationship. I’m working on my jealousy, my insecurity and once I managed to identify all this I felt 1000 times better. I realized that Blake isn’t my problem, he’s just some guy and only around every few months for a day or so. He’s a drop in the bucket. I offered to meet with him, bury the hatchet, have coffee and see that he’s not a horrible person. Jessie appreciated that although she worried that I was asking to ‘approve her partners’ I set her straight that I’m making a nice gesture and her choices are still her own.

So I’ve come through a wall of jealousy, I hurt Jessie’s feelings and I acted like a bit of an ass. After I got over myself we had another talk and things went much better. She told me about her intention to also do some dating in the near future and I was fine with it. After both of us walking on eggshells for a few weeks and doubting everything that we are to each other we finally got back on a positive track. We hung out last week to go bowling and play pool. Just the two of us. It was a total blast. I remember thinking I should have done these things with Carrie. I never wanted to go out and if I did I always wanted our friends to be there. We almost never did anything just the two of us. I think because of the issues we had I didn’t really want to be vulnerable with Carrie. I’m not really sure honestly. I just know I resisted it in the past.

So we had a cute silly date, it was a total blast. We both expressed afterwards how we felt much better about us and our relationship and we seemed to be going back in a good direction. It was a huge weight off my chest. This past weekend I had my first ‘party’ at my house. I had a game night where several people came over and played Cards Against Humanity. I had a great time and didn’t need to drink or do any drugs and I didn’t feel weird about it. Just sipped my sparkling water and cracked jokes and had a great time. Jessie did too. I met a beautiful poly girl who is dating another friend of mine. We instantly had some chemistry however we didn’t talk much. I reached out today and got a really good response. Might be something, might not but it was a good feeling. It reminded me that I also have this freedom and that I”m not burning anyone, hurting anyone, I’m not cheating or doing anything wrong. I can date, I can meet people too. I can pursue or not pursue opportunity as I see fit. I still love Jessie and I’ve come to realize that I can do that and still have room for more love in my heart.

It’s opened some doors in my brain. One, that I still have a lot to learn about poly. Two, that I am capable of more than I thought. Three, that I have really learned and applied some coping skills that will change how the rest of my life will be going forward. Four, that I’m just scratching the surface of the kind of life I could have. With relationships, with love, with life. Whenever things get serious I think of Carrie too sometimes. I have so many regrets. So many things I know now that would have made everything go a different direction. I wish I could share that feeling with her. But I keep her out of my life now. I’ve shut a door on that chapter and even though it hurts to think about. I’ve left the door closed for now, for who knows long? I find myself happy right now. Full of hope, full of love, full of discovery. I’m re-writing the script for my life and just starting to see how much power I have in that.

Long post, long week. Gotta work tomorrow and do some more thinking and some more writing soon.

Comments

comments