Confused, Complicated, Confounded

I feel complicated lately, like everything is hard to figure out. My anxiety is just my companion now. I went from not having anxiety a month ago to having it every goddamned day. It’s been better since I cut my meds in half and it got so bad I ordered meds to help with the anxiety. They will take a few days to get here and a few weeks to really take effect. I guess I’ll be on half dose until then and see how I feel. I’m assuming that if I’m less anxious, working out every day and on a half dose of meds that I’ll honestly be a in far better place.

That seems about as far away as mars right now but I’m trying. I’ve started working out daily. I know better than to punish myself or make this something I can’t sustain so I’m just doing what I can. A walk, the elliptical. 10 minutes of YouTube videos, whatever gets me through another day with the feeling of ‘okay I did something’.

My mantra a long time ago was “Do something every day, that you’re proud of” and the best and easiest way to do that was to work out daily. The eating better came along with it, because you don’t want to waste the effort. I’m a lot more conscious of food, and a lot more active day to day. This is LONG overdue. I should have never stopped. Instead I had about a year and a half where I’ve just done literally nothing for days at a time. Laid in the dark watching TV for 10 hours and then sleeping. I should have noticed I was so low but I couldn’t get motivated.

When things with Jessie got super stressful and she started dating left and right my anxiety went through the roof. My jealousy reared its head. Everything seemed ten times worse. The ONE good thing I can say is that it felt like a bottom it felt like a very bad place to be. I promised myself I would never hit bottom again. I woke up, and I started making changes. They felt necessary. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I just started working out again daily. Adjusting my meds, and Jessie and I got to talk things out and it wasn’t as bad as I feared.

I’m doing better, I can’t deny that. This vs 2 weeks ago is miles better. But I’m still not great. But if I go to the gym, beat myself up and then go home and veg out. It’s not so bad. I’ve started looking for dates on OK Cupid, I need other people to focus on besides Jessie. I need to have some adventures and get laid. I need perspective and I need it badly. Putting all my hopes and dreams into one person who doesn’t put all theirs into you is unfair and doesn’t go well.

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