End of an Era, Dawn of a Day

So last weekend, I ended things with Bonni. I feel like I could have taken more charge with the situation. For months now we’ve been growing apart and there was this palpable tension. Every time we hung out I could tell there was a huge distance between us, and that we both didn’t know what to do about it.

In retrospect I think I could have seen the forest for the trees and addressed the issue head on. We had the opportunity a few weeks before when she brought up the issue and I did my best to address it. Neither of us wanted to break up, to call it dead. We wanted to hang onto whatever we could. Neither of us wanted to be the one to drop the bomb.

A few weeks later we’re in the car, leaving a movie, she’d been moody and distant the whole weekend. I could feel it on my shoulders like a boulder pushing me to earth. Finally she said something snide or snarky and I blew up. I called her out on her behavior and she yelled back at me. I pulled the car over and we both unloaded for a few minutes. We quickly got a grasp on the situation, took a deep breath and scaled it back. I’m grateful for that. We both caught ourselves before the anger got out of hand.

We still couldn’t get around to saying the words. It made it worse because she accused me of not loving her as much as she loved me. I had a moment where I completely lost words. I’ve tried to be honest with her about what I’m capable of, which in our relationship was not love. I do love her in my own way but not the same way she does me. I’ll write more on this later.