How the World Ended Again

I tried to summarize what happened with Jessie in a forum recently and rather than write it all out twice I’m putting it in here as well.

 


I’m not even sure how to write this out. I had a relationship end recently. When we first got together she identified herself as Solo-Poly and already had a partner. He exited the picture (due to drama) about a month in. For the next 6 months we had an amazing relationship. We grew very close, we expressed Love for each other and it meant a huge amount to me. She was always careful about keeping her distance and not spending more than a few days a week together and I was totally fine with that because I liked that we retained our independence.
 
After things settled into a fairly normal routine it seems like she immediately withdrew. She started making questionable decisions, and dating 3-4 new people in the space of 2 weeks. Ignoring me 6 out of 7 days a week and generally being dismissive and uncaring. When we were together things seemed fine. So i told myself that I’m just concerning myself with her time that isn’t my business, that she cares she’s just caught up with other things.
 
Eventually I pointed out that how extremely I’m ignored during the other 6 days a week was hurtful to me, and I got a lecture about poly and independence and told that she’s simply ‘busy’ and doesn’t have time to chat. I told her that some of her decisions were questionable and she became very defensive and pulled away more. After a big discussion, she told me that she really loves me and sees a future for us, and that we can enable each other to continue to experiment and live our lives. It sounded kind of grand and sweet and I felt better.
 
Then I kept getting ignored, I would send messages checking in, saying hi, saying sweet things, I would get back a one word response, or hours of delay. We would say goodnight every night and suddenly she started forgetting to more and more. It seemed like I would reach out and she would pull away more and more. Finally I had to speak up again. I said that I felt ignored and uncared for 6 out of 7 days a week and that simply hurt me and made me feel bad.
 
She told me that she needed space to think and I gave her a day, then she asked for the whole weekend, then she said we could talk saturday, then it became sunday. Finally on sunday after just sitting on this conversation for 4+ days I was a wreck. I asked her if we could please meet face to face to discuss on sunday. She told me she ‘had plans’ and maybe could do a phone call in the evening. I was shocked, I’d been waiting in the wings for days with a real grievance and a real hurt. I asked again if we could meet face to face. She told me she had plans and wouldn’t have time. I told her that I cancelled my plans that weekend to give her space and maybe she could do the same for me. She refused. I was extremely hurt, I begged her to do this for me because I couldn’t stand all the waiting and she accused me of being dramatic, impatient and told me I was ‘making it worse’. I eventually had enough, and out of anger, I told her that we’re done and I blocked her on facebook.
 
The next day I felt horrible, and I apologized and I offered to give us a few weeks to reset (which she had proposed at some point) and she agreed. A few days into the 2 weeks she asked to meet and told me she considered the romance ‘dead’ and that she wasn’t sure if we could get it back or not. I asked if we could continue to take the two weeks and discuss again. She agreed. A few days later she just called and told me that she had to draw her own boundaries and that we’re completely done. Maybe again someday, who knows, but for now we’re done.
 
This whole thing crushed me. It came from me speaking up about feeling hurt and ignored, in return I was ignored for 4 more days and then treated like shit. It occurred to me that during our whole relationship that I had constantly put in effort and gone above and beyond to surprise her, delight her and make her happy, and that she had never – once – done that for me. She only did what was convenient. When I pointed this out on occasion she would tell me that we can talk about whatever I want, but that she was always going to do whatever she wanted. Never a compromise, never an effort outside convenience, over 8 months total. We had amazing chemistry, we had “love” but I feel like she never really knew what that meant and that it means some effort and some compromise. She seems to think it meant ‘we can share something 1 day a week’.
 
Afterwards I heard similar stories from people dating solo-poly people. Calling (some of) them ‘experience chasers’ and that seemed to fit the bill. She always wanted to do ‘everything’ and to not be held back in any way by anyone. I respected the sense of adventure and courage that went with that, but I’ve felt betrayed by being told I’m loved, and then treated like I’m simply not. I feel like if she wanted the kind of relationship that was only convenient then we shouldn’t have let it get to that level. I don’t know my point here, I’m just absolutely devastated and I miss her. But I’ve committed to saying nothing for a few months to let the feelings die down. She seems like she’s fine and doesn’t care and is going on with her life and told me ‘take all the time you need’. So here I am… Processing. Angry, Hurt, Sad, many other things… Would appreciate any feedback.

Comments

comments