Remember Thou Art Mortal… Good Advice

I don’t check in as much as I should. I have made a lot of changes and want to check in with myself.

Jessie ended things a few weeks ago and I actually can hardly blame her. I felt like i wasn’t acting like myself. I think next time I get super anxious or stressed I should maybe just step back entirely until I’m in a good place. Now with some time and reflection I have some decent perspective. We wanted different things. I think eventually it had to end.

I’ve fought against the idea of a ‘Primary’ because it’s not what Jessie wanted or would have done. Truth be told I want someone to be special to me. I want to find someone as willing as i am to roll with the punches. When I felt that Jessie really loved me I assumed – naively – that she would be flexible like myself. Even if we started solo-poly with distance and emotional independence that now that LOVE was in the picture that surely things need to change. They didn’t for her.

I talked to Bob and laid out the whole situation, he told me that in his opinion… Solo Poly is kind of bullshit. It’s denying our nature as a species to pair bond and want to be with another person and grow closer. Poly sure, primary/secondary maybe, but solo poly, like never getting entangled… bullshit. God it felt good actually. In retrospect I think Jessie is in the same place I was a year or two ago. Scared, distant, unable to engage in real deep emotions. Except she was like that BEFORE she got divorced, so it’s extra extra hard for her.

I think she’s got a lot of growing to do, and I think that when she does she will drop the solo poly thing. I think she will just be poly or something less extreme. Solo poly sounds grand and independent to hear it described but i view it as a defense mechanism for people who have been hurt and I have trouble seeing it any other way. It’s just a pretty name for “Don’t get too close, I can’t handle it”

In so many ways Jessie and I were a great fit, and a great match. If this were just a stupid old fashioned monogamous relationship I could see us really working. However without poly we never would have met. So, who knows. I think I tried to fit her definition of poly a bit too much to try to make it work. I see it as more laid back. Love more than one person, still act with care and respect and compassion. The end. It doesn’t have to be a big feminist adventure into couples privilege and finding excuses to never get too close. Maybe that’s just me. I don’t know.

Put simply, our good parts were amazing. We had chemistry and intellectual equality, we had similar interests and every interaction was fun & positive. Our issues didn’t align. Maybe that’s just as important as the good things. My problems with insecurity, emotional backlash, abandonment were not a good for for someone with emotional distance, lack of empathy, lack of attachment & compassion. We were on the same page in so many ways, but fundamentally not when it comes to our problems.

I’ve had a few days to think about this, and I realize more and more that for some reason I put her on a pedestal. I expected her to have all the answers. She was smart and together, she took charge and knew exactly what she wanted. Of course she had all the answers. She was happy and doing amazing things right? I forget that we’re all scared and alone sometimes, that we all put up walls to keep from getting hurt again. That we doubt our decisions and ourselves and no matter what front we put out to the world that we’re not perfect.

It was easy to think too highly of Jessie. She’s an awesome person in so many ways. She sings opera, she does marathon running, she sews and does coding. She dates like a whirlwind and takes risks. She jumps in with both feet.

She also smokes weed to self-medicate, she has manic phases, she has emotional detachment and possibly some form of narcissism. She can be cold and distant and cruel and blunt. In other words. She’s a human being and I should really remember that we all are, next time I fall in love.