Better Days & Bitter Days

It’s been a long time since I added something to this journal. I’ve been in a form of shock I guess. Things with Jessie suddenly going sideways and getting so bad so quickly. It’s hard to have a hole in your life all of a sudden. I find myself wondering if she misses me, if she thinks about me. I unfollowed her on facebook so while she is my friend I don’t see her posts.

It’s annoying as hell by the way. A good chunk of my life is spent on facebook, and facebook seems to think we are still the very best of friends. She’s auto suggested at the top of every invite, every chat list, every recommendation, her name comes up first EVERY TIME. It’s like facebook knows we were dating but not that we broke up. It’s not easy to see her face, her name and be reminded so often.

Still, I’ve taken the hands off approach. I just don’t talk to her. It’s like what I tried to do with Carrie but failed at on so many occasions. Maybe I’m determined to do it right this time. Give it time. Wait. Be still, be silent. There’s no benefit in arguing, there’s no ‘dragging her back in’ to a situation she wanted out of. There’s no convincing her that she was a terrible and great partner in so many ways.

So silence seems the better option. I put a note in my calendar to ‘check in with myself’ after 2 months. it’s fast approaching and I’m rapidly thinking that 2 months is not quite enough. Although it has gotten easier.

I work out every day, I’m trying to make a 7 day a week streak. I do 30+ minutes of activity and today is day 80. Wow. 80 Days. I actually think that I should have MORE to show for it. I mean I’ve lost weight (about 25 lbs) but I seem to not be able to lose anymore, I’m stuck here. My body has gone through some changes and I’m proud and happy for all of that. Mostly I just try to keep it going. I so desperately needed a victory after such a big perceived failure.

Dating continues to be a thing. I kind of knew when I set out to go on dates that I wasn’t capable of something serious. It felt like being right back where I was after Carrie and I split up. Where I want affection, a distraction, companionship, but I am too emotionally raw to invest anything or even look for something serious. Inevitably this leads to people getting hurt feelings. Because as honest and genuine as I am with my intentions, people tend to agree and then realize they can’t handle that.

End result, I get a few dates, maybe laid and then they drop away, hurt or annoyed. This is way too close to how Jessie made me feel but at least it gives me some comparison. She must be terrified of anyone getting close to still be in this state after several years.

I think about her a lot, every day just about. It doesn’t stab me like it used to but it hurts. 2 months seemed like forever 2 months ago. Now it feels like a dull ache. I remember waiting, begging the universe to stop hurting when I thought of carrie, to stop thinking of her, for it all to stop stop stop. When it finally did start to lessen, I felt this sense of loss that I was getting over it. Guilt that I was no longer mourning or feeling it as sharply. I feel that now.

I wonder what the point all is. Some of my friends tell me to cut my losses, move on and don’t talk to her again. Just boom – done. Personally the thought of never seeing her again hurts too. I’ve managed – with difficulty – to stay friends with most of my ex’s. It’s a point of pride I guess. I just know from experience that it takes time. It usually takes being in a new relationship and having your focus go elsewhere before it’s even possible. I’d like to think that I can get over her without having to love someone else. But in my experience that’s not really the case so far. Something I’ll have to think about…

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