Being a Decent Person vs Getting what I want

It’s been a while since I’ve added anything to this journal. It was a coping mechanism that was immensely helpful for a long time, and then it became a painful reminder that I’m still rolling around in my pain and maybe it was time to shelve it. Recently I’ve gone through this breakup with Jessie and it’s been hard so I felt the urge to write again.

We broke up several months ago, and it seems like a different person did that. My anxiety was out of control and I felt betrayed and I ended things on an angry note and then backpedaled and got dumped anyway. Having actually calmed down and sorted my meds, it feels like the Mr. Hyde version to my my Dr. Jekyll has trashed my life and left me to pick up the pieces.

I don’t know how much was the way I was treated by Jessie (which was poorly) and how much as the side effects of weed causing major problems with my antidepressants. It does feel like a different person fucked up my life. I’ve worked really hard to do everything ‘right’ with her. Even the breakup. I cut off all contact and didn’t talk to her for 3 months. Then we agreed to meet and chatted and she told me that she “didn’t want anything romantic” with me. Which hurt to hear all over again but I accepted that as her choice.

Since then I’ve done my best to be her friend and to not be overbearing or overly involved in her life. As I know I’m still not a ‘neutral’ party. Recently she started dating a new girl that she’s really excited over and it hits me right in the heart to not only have to sit back and not be involved in her life, but to watch her fall in love with someone else. It might be more than I can handle. So far she’s thanked me twice for ‘being cool & not making it weird’ and it’s true – I haven’t. I’ve been a friend to her and not made any weird comments or insinuations or anything, I’ve just been cool and myself and avoided any drama.

I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I know I’m not supposed to be dramatic or to push my agenda, or force my romantic feelings on someone that doesn’t want them. That’s obvious right? But I’m doing the right thing and it’s still hurting, a lot. Maybe I’m not ready to be her friend. I just know it’s really hard to be someone’s friend after you’ve date them and sometimes it will just suck for a while. I take a lot of space and time inbetween us talking or hanging out. We don’t chat daily, or hang out often. We see each other every few weeks in general friend context. I’m so perfect I’m choking on it.

In the meantime dating has been dismal. The only people I’m excited about seem to instantly dissolve and the people that I’m passively dating are just like hazy figures that come and go, they leave no mark, no emotional impact and I feel hollow and empty.