Sisyphus is my Spirit Animal

Sisyphus is the greek myth about the king who was punished by being forced to roll a boulder uphill endlessly. He was given this punishment for his self-aggrandizing and deceit. I feel that. I really do.

I always think the winter won’t be that bad but then it sets in and I get more and more depressed, less and less motivated. I stopped working out daily, was eating horribly there for a while. Combine that with a new relationship where nothing seems to matter but Martha and I had a formula for letting myself go. I’ve kept Pilates and I’m doing that twice weekly now which is my only saving grace.

Eventually I will have to start doing the gym more again, swimming again, doing weights and being driven. It’s so fast to slip. A few months of failure and I’ve undone EVERYTHING I worked for 10 months on. I’ve gained back a ton of weight, I’ve felt awful and sore. I really need to find a way to get through the winter months without my depression taking over. I’ve adjusted my meds, I’ve kept pilates. That’s all I got lately. It’s almost spring though, and with that comes some sunshine and an urge to get out and do things more. At least I hope it does.

I chatted with Carrie today over messenger and she was doing that thing where she takes all the blame and apologizing like she was the devil and I was perfect, then I’m forced to point out that if anything I was the worse perpetrator and here I am trying to convince my ex-wife that I was in-fact, intractable, stubborn, annoying and hurtful on many occasions.

IĀ  used to hope, fear, and pray that Carrie’s awful way of not-coping would catch up with her. Would come crashing home on her. I see now with perspective that it’s self-fulfilling. If you avoid your shit, ignore your problems it gets twisted up inside of you and comes back again and again with new re-written history. She punished herself by avoiding everything, she set herself up for years of guilt and blame instead of just dealing with it at the moment. It’s almost a reflection of what I did that she is doing now.

When we were together I avoided all our problems, I deflected, was in denial and refused to face facts. It all came home to roost and I was thrown unceremoniously out of my life. I still wonder about the fall for carrie, if she has one coming. She is very good at bouncing from one safety net to the next. She’s too afraid of getting hurt that she simply won’t let herself get hurt. It’s a technique I envy sometimes but I see how it warps her reality as well.

I used to yearn for years that I wish I could bring these lessons back with me, wish I could show Carrie what I’ve learned. It never occurred to me that maybe she didn’t learn them, wouldn’t recognize them and wouldn’t know what to do with them. I’m trying now to focus on bring those lessons forward into my current and future relationships.

Things with Martha are going well but there are definitely some doubts about our long term viability. In the meantime we’re both in love and that’s a good feeling. I always worry and overthink things. I’m trying right now to just be in love and be happy for a while. Maybe I deserve that, at least for a while.

Part of me always wonders though, am I just pushing this boulder back up the hill? Or are things really different now? Let’s craft our own reality and make it the way it should be. How about that?