When you remind me

Carrie messages today. To point out that it’s our wedding anniversary in two days. And that’s it’s been seven years since we got married. I was nice and polite and made a smooth exit from the conversation. Then I cried my fucking brains out for a while.

I know that she does it to show she cares and remembers me. It means a lot. It does. But God it can still surprise me when it hurts like it did so long ago.

Mostly I don’t think about it . I’ve gotten pretty good at that. I don’t think I’ve cried about it for 6-8 months? Maybe more. But God it hit me tonight. I wouldn’t have remembered. I ignore it and I try not to. I don’t know if that means I’m not dealing with something?  Asking me to really and truly dip my mind in that pool of acid again is almost unthinkable.

I miss her still sometimes. My mind was flooded with memories that don’t make sense. My pictures of her in my past have become blurry and mixed.  I remember the way she felt against my chest. Her smile. The feel of her hands.

Sometimes I feel like the rest of my life will be spent making it up to myself. That I have to live a better life from now on or its not worth it. And if it’s not worth it, I couldn’t bear it. I have to tell myself it was all for a reason and all for the best. Or that tiny corner of myself that will never let go of her will swell and crest and swallow me. I’ll die in my heart when there’s no room for her anymore. I’ll die if I give her too much room in my heart. I walk the line. I try to love a good life. I try.