Been quite a while since I blogged. I take that as a good sign. Life of course has it’s ups and downs but I wrote in here because I was burning up inside and had to spew out my emotions en masse on the daily. However, now in a stable long term relationship (Martha) and things are doing relatively okay. We both work a lot, and my new job keeps me busy but well paid. We have our own place and we even got a dog (Corgi).

I come back here every now and again to see what I’ve been through and what I’ve accomplished. I knew that someday I would push through to the other side and this wouldn’t consume me and wouldn’t haunt my every waking moment. I still see Carrie and honestly we’re doing better than ever so far. We’re actually becoming friends, hanging out on occasion, we had dinner a few weekends ago and had some good conversation.

I have to admit there’s still feelings brewing under the surface. I can feel it like a big scab on an old wound. I know that if I pick just a little too much that I’ll re-open more than I can handle. But I know what makes today more bearable and relationships more bearable. My self worth is not entirely caught up in someone else. I love my partner and if she left I would be devastated but I would survive and I would handle it in a healthy way. I still stumble, make mistakes and do stupid things sometimes. Mostly I do what I’m supposed to do. I need to get back into working out and wrangle my finances. Those are my usual problems I suppose and I need to make sure they don’t get out of hand. They both frighten me and in the meantime I work and eat and sleep and play with the dog and spend time with martha. It’s good. It’s a good life and while I want to make it better. I’m not upset, I’m not anxious.

I am sad. I am still sad when I dig into the center of me, but I think that’s just depression and too specific a memory. I know that when I look back at huge chunks of my life I still see failures. I see a lot more victories lately but I see so many failures behind me. I lack energy and motivation still. I’m working on that, with meds and health and so on. Most of the time I’m ‘fine’ but sometimes I’m still sad. When I see Carrie and then leave and then like 20 minutes later it still stings. it reminds me of so many things I left unsaid. Eventually they had to be left unsaid or I would never move on.

I’m sad that it doesn’t hurt as much. I’m sad that I don’t think about her most of the time to be honest. I worry and I care and I love her, I always will. But I’ve managed to disconnect my life from hers and my success hurts just slightly less than all the failure before it.

In the meantime. Seasonal depression took me last winter and really kicked my ass. I’ve felt like it never really went away and here we are back into winter again, so maybe it’s not seasonal maybe it’s just long term depression that needs more drastic fixing. It’s exhausting to think how hard I’m supposed to work to keep this at bay. Sometimes it’s just easier to give up for an hour or a day and live on the couch and sleep. I know that it’s making it harder in the long term but sometimes I need that. So it is what it is.

Gotta run, dealing with a lot of dental issues but that’s a different story. Good luck readers.

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