Updates from June, 2018 Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • Adam 6:55 am on June 15, 2018 Permalink |  

    When you remind me 

    Carrie messages today. To point out that it’s our wedding anniversary in two days. And that’s it’s been seven years since we got married. I was nice and polite and made a smooth exit from the conversation. Then I cried my fucking brains out for a while.

    I know that she does it to show she cares and remembers me. It means a lot. It does. But God it can still surprise me when it hurts like it did so long ago.

    Mostly I don’t think about it . I’ve gotten pretty good at that. I don’t think I’ve cried about it for 6-8 months? Maybe more. But God it hit me tonight. I wouldn’t have remembered. I ignore it and I try not to. I don’t know if that means I’m not dealing with something?  Asking me to really and truly dip my mind in that pool of acid again is almost unthinkable.

    I miss her still sometimes. My mind was flooded with memories that don’t make sense. My pictures of her in my past have become blurry and mixed.  I remember the way she felt against my chest. Her smile. The feel of her hands.

    Sometimes I feel like the rest of my life will be spent making it up to myself. That I have to live a better life from now on or its not worth it. And if it’s not worth it, I couldn’t bear it. I have to tell myself it was all for a reason and all for the best. Or that tiny corner of myself that will never let go of her will swell and crest and swallow me. I’ll die in my heart when there’s no room for her anymore. I’ll die if I give her too much room in my heart. I walk the line. I try to love a good life. I try.

  • Adam 10:50 pm on March 9, 2018 Permalink |  

    Sisyphus is my Spirit Animal 

    Sisyphus is the greek myth about the king who was punished by being forced to roll a boulder uphill endlessly. He was given this punishment for his self-aggrandizing and deceit. I feel that. I really do.

    I always think the winter won’t be that bad but then it sets in and I get more and more depressed, less and less motivated. I stopped working out daily, was eating horribly there for a while. Combine that with a new relationship where nothing seems to matter but Martha and I had a formula for letting myself go. I’ve kept Pilates and I’m doing that twice weekly now which is my only saving grace.

    Eventually I will have to start doing the gym more again, swimming again, doing weights and being driven. It’s so fast to slip. A few months of failure and I’ve undone EVERYTHING I worked for 10 months on. I’ve gained back a ton of weight, I’ve felt awful and sore. I really need to find a way to get through the winter months without my depression taking over. I’ve adjusted my meds, I’ve kept pilates. That’s all I got lately. It’s almost spring though, and with that comes some sunshine and an urge to get out and do things more. At least I hope it does.

    I chatted with Carrie today over messenger and she was doing that thing where she takes all the blame and apologizing like she was the devil and I was perfect, then I’m forced to point out that if anything I was the worse perpetrator and here I am trying to convince my ex-wife that I was in-fact, intractable, stubborn, annoying and hurtful on many occasions.

    I  used to hope, fear, and pray that Carrie’s awful way of not-coping would catch up with her. Would come crashing home on her. I see now with perspective that it’s self-fulfilling. If you avoid your shit, ignore your problems it gets twisted up inside of you and comes back again and again with new re-written history. She punished herself by avoiding everything, she set herself up for years of guilt and blame instead of just dealing with it at the moment. It’s almost a reflection of what I did that she is doing now.

    When we were together I avoided all our problems, I deflected, was in denial and refused to face facts. It all came home to roost and I was thrown unceremoniously out of my life. I still wonder about the fall for carrie, if she has one coming. She is very good at bouncing from one safety net to the next. She’s too afraid of getting hurt that she simply won’t let herself get hurt. It’s a technique I envy sometimes but I see how it warps her reality as well.

    I used to yearn for years that I wish I could bring these lessons back with me, wish I could show Carrie what I’ve learned. It never occurred to me that maybe she didn’t learn them, wouldn’t recognize them and wouldn’t know what to do with them. I’m trying now to focus on bring those lessons forward into my current and future relationships.

    Things with Martha are going well but there are definitely some doubts about our long term viability. In the meantime we’re both in love and that’s a good feeling. I always worry and overthink things. I’m trying right now to just be in love and be happy for a while. Maybe I deserve that, at least for a while.

    Part of me always wonders though, am I just pushing this boulder back up the hill? Or are things really different now? Let’s craft our own reality and make it the way it should be. How about that?

  • Adam 6:49 pm on October 30, 2017 Permalink |
    Tags: 200 days, , fitness, training, weights, workouts   

    Fitness Update 

    For those of you that keep track, you might have noticed I’m not posting my “Day Count” for workouts anymore. It’s not because I’ve given up or anything. Here’s the situation —

    1. I hit a plateau after a few months and was seeing very little progress for months and it was discouraging.
    2. Several experts and my trainers ALL advised me that 7 days a week was not particularly recommended and that better results would come from staggering, weight training and high intensity interval training.
    3. After proving that I don’t really know what I’m doing, I’ve decided to take their advice. I now have a weight trainer, a pilates trainer and a schedule that involves alternating days off.
    4. I’m still “at” it – I’m working out multiple times a week and trying my best not to fall into a bad schedule. However due to the craziness from the fires and several cancelled training sessions, It’s been a very mix-matched several weeks. (few too many days off)
    5. I’m getting back on track, doing weights, pilates, and some cardio with days off after heavy lifting & hard workouts. I’m still working on getting this new fangled approach, scheduled and stable.
    6. Additionally my diet was kind of hit and miss, I’m now doing Healthy lunches via work and Healthy dinners via Munchery. I’m hoping that with a very fixed schedule on meals that I will also get better in this arena. As that is my next goal stacked onto the pile (eat better, consistently, to assist with weight loss)

    So there you have it, I worked out 7 days a week for 200+ days and I couldn’t be more proud of that. I definitely have seen changes and feel better. I’m worried that the lack of consistency in this new approach will make following through difficult but my paid training sessions help keep me on track.

    I like the accountability and updating online, it gives me encouragement and helps me to share. It’s not as easy without a fixed ‘number’ but I’m going to try to pick back up on updates regarding fitness.

    For anyone that reads these and follows my progress and gives encouragement. I can’t thank you enough it means the world to me and I’m going to keep getting better. The addition of weight training is a bit intimidating but I really do enjoy it and like ‘pushing’ myself to new limits. I adore my trainers and I’m so lucky to have 2 awesome and talented people giving me direction, encouragement and training.

    <3 Thanks and Stay Tuned

  • Adam 4:57 pm on July 14, 2017 Permalink |  

    Being a Decent Person vs Getting what I want 

    It’s been a while since I’ve added anything to this journal. It was a coping mechanism that was immensely helpful for a long time, and then it became a painful reminder that I’m still rolling around in my pain and maybe it was time to shelve it. Recently I’ve gone through this breakup with Jessie and it’s been hard so I felt the urge to write again.

    We broke up several months ago, and it seems like a different person did that. My anxiety was out of control and I felt betrayed and I ended things on an angry note and then backpedaled and got dumped anyway. Having actually calmed down and sorted my meds, it feels like the Mr. Hyde version to my my Dr. Jekyll has trashed my life and left me to pick up the pieces.

    I don’t know how much was the way I was treated by Jessie (which was poorly) and how much as the side effects of weed causing major problems with my antidepressants. It does feel like a different person fucked up my life. I’ve worked really hard to do everything ‘right’ with her. Even the breakup. I cut off all contact and didn’t talk to her for 3 months. Then we agreed to meet and chatted and she told me that she “didn’t want anything romantic” with me. Which hurt to hear all over again but I accepted that as her choice.

    Since then I’ve done my best to be her friend and to not be overbearing or overly involved in her life. As I know I’m still not a ‘neutral’ party. Recently she started dating a new girl that she’s really excited over and it hits me right in the heart to not only have to sit back and not be involved in her life, but to watch her fall in love with someone else. It might be more than I can handle. So far she’s thanked me twice for ‘being cool & not making it weird’ and it’s true – I haven’t. I’ve been a friend to her and not made any weird comments or insinuations or anything, I’ve just been cool and myself and avoided any drama.

    I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I know I’m not supposed to be dramatic or to push my agenda, or force my romantic feelings on someone that doesn’t want them. That’s obvious right? But I’m doing the right thing and it’s still hurting, a lot. Maybe I’m not ready to be her friend. I just know it’s really hard to be someone’s friend after you’ve date them and sometimes it will just suck for a while. I take a lot of space and time inbetween us talking or hanging out. We don’t chat daily, or hang out often. We see each other every few weeks in general friend context. I’m so perfect I’m choking on it.

    In the meantime dating has been dismal. The only people I’m excited about seem to instantly dissolve and the people that I’m passively dating are just like hazy figures that come and go, they leave no mark, no emotional impact and I feel hollow and empty.

  • Adam 9:28 pm on May 24, 2017 Permalink |  

    Better Days & Bitter Days 

    It’s been a long time since I added something to this journal. I’ve been in a form of shock I guess. Things with Jessie suddenly going sideways and getting so bad so quickly. It’s hard to have a hole in your life all of a sudden. I find myself wondering if she misses me, if she thinks about me. I unfollowed her on facebook so while she is my friend I don’t see her posts.

    It’s annoying as hell by the way. A good chunk of my life is spent on facebook, and facebook seems to think we are still the very best of friends. She’s auto suggested at the top of every invite, every chat list, every recommendation, her name comes up first EVERY TIME. It’s like facebook knows we were dating but not that we broke up. It’s not easy to see her face, her name and be reminded so often.

    Still, I’ve taken the hands off approach. I just don’t talk to her. It’s like what I tried to do with Carrie but failed at on so many occasions. Maybe I’m determined to do it right this time. Give it time. Wait. Be still, be silent. There’s no benefit in arguing, there’s no ‘dragging her back in’ to a situation she wanted out of. There’s no convincing her that she was a terrible and great partner in so many ways.

    So silence seems the better option. I put a note in my calendar to ‘check in with myself’ after 2 months. it’s fast approaching and I’m rapidly thinking that 2 months is not quite enough. Although it has gotten easier.

    I work out every day, I’m trying to make a 7 day a week streak. I do 30+ minutes of activity and today is day 80. Wow. 80 Days. I actually think that I should have MORE to show for it. I mean I’ve lost weight (about 25 lbs) but I seem to not be able to lose anymore, I’m stuck here. My body has gone through some changes and I’m proud and happy for all of that. Mostly I just try to keep it going. I so desperately needed a victory after such a big perceived failure.

    Dating continues to be a thing. I kind of knew when I set out to go on dates that I wasn’t capable of something serious. It felt like being right back where I was after Carrie and I split up. Where I want affection, a distraction, companionship, but I am too emotionally raw to invest anything or even look for something serious. Inevitably this leads to people getting hurt feelings. Because as honest and genuine as I am with my intentions, people tend to agree and then realize they can’t handle that.

    End result, I get a few dates, maybe laid and then they drop away, hurt or annoyed. This is way too close to how Jessie made me feel but at least it gives me some comparison. She must be terrified of anyone getting close to still be in this state after several years.

    I think about her a lot, every day just about. It doesn’t stab me like it used to but it hurts. 2 months seemed like forever 2 months ago. Now it feels like a dull ache. I remember waiting, begging the universe to stop hurting when I thought of carrie, to stop thinking of her, for it all to stop stop stop. When it finally did start to lessen, I felt this sense of loss that I was getting over it. Guilt that I was no longer mourning or feeling it as sharply. I feel that now.

    I wonder what the point all is. Some of my friends tell me to cut my losses, move on and don’t talk to her again. Just boom – done. Personally the thought of never seeing her again hurts too. I’ve managed – with difficulty – to stay friends with most of my ex’s. It’s a point of pride I guess. I just know from experience that it takes time. It usually takes being in a new relationship and having your focus go elsewhere before it’s even possible. I’d like to think that I can get over her without having to love someone else. But in my experience that’s not really the case so far. Something I’ll have to think about…

  • Adam 4:36 pm on April 17, 2017 Permalink |  

    Remember Thou Art Mortal… Good Advice 

    I don’t check in as much as I should. I have made a lot of changes and want to check in with myself.

    Jessie ended things a few weeks ago and I actually can hardly blame her. I felt like i wasn’t acting like myself. I think next time I get super anxious or stressed I should maybe just step back entirely until I’m in a good place. Now with some time and reflection I have some decent perspective. We wanted different things. I think eventually it had to end.

    I’ve fought against the idea of a ‘Primary’ because it’s not what Jessie wanted or would have done. Truth be told I want someone to be special to me. I want to find someone as willing as i am to roll with the punches. When I felt that Jessie really loved me I assumed – naively – that she would be flexible like myself. Even if we started solo-poly with distance and emotional independence that now that LOVE was in the picture that surely things need to change. They didn’t for her.

    I talked to Bob and laid out the whole situation, he told me that in his opinion… Solo Poly is kind of bullshit. It’s denying our nature as a species to pair bond and want to be with another person and grow closer. Poly sure, primary/secondary maybe, but solo poly, like never getting entangled… bullshit. God it felt good actually. In retrospect I think Jessie is in the same place I was a year or two ago. Scared, distant, unable to engage in real deep emotions. Except she was like that BEFORE she got divorced, so it’s extra extra hard for her.

    I think she’s got a lot of growing to do, and I think that when she does she will drop the solo poly thing. I think she will just be poly or something less extreme. Solo poly sounds grand and independent to hear it described but i view it as a defense mechanism for people who have been hurt and I have trouble seeing it any other way. It’s just a pretty name for “Don’t get too close, I can’t handle it”

    In so many ways Jessie and I were a great fit, and a great match. If this were just a stupid old fashioned monogamous relationship I could see us really working. However without poly we never would have met. So, who knows. I think I tried to fit her definition of poly a bit too much to try to make it work. I see it as more laid back. Love more than one person, still act with care and respect and compassion. The end. It doesn’t have to be a big feminist adventure into couples privilege and finding excuses to never get too close. Maybe that’s just me. I don’t know.

    Put simply, our good parts were amazing. We had chemistry and intellectual equality, we had similar interests and every interaction was fun & positive. Our issues didn’t align. Maybe that’s just as important as the good things. My problems with insecurity, emotional backlash, abandonment were not a good for for someone with emotional distance, lack of empathy, lack of attachment & compassion. We were on the same page in so many ways, but fundamentally not when it comes to our problems.

    I’ve had a few days to think about this, and I realize more and more that for some reason I put her on a pedestal. I expected her to have all the answers. She was smart and together, she took charge and knew exactly what she wanted. Of course she had all the answers. She was happy and doing amazing things right? I forget that we’re all scared and alone sometimes, that we all put up walls to keep from getting hurt again. That we doubt our decisions and ourselves and no matter what front we put out to the world that we’re not perfect.

    It was easy to think too highly of Jessie. She’s an awesome person in so many ways. She sings opera, she does marathon running, she sews and does coding. She dates like a whirlwind and takes risks. She jumps in with both feet.

    She also smokes weed to self-medicate, she has manic phases, she has emotional detachment and possibly some form of narcissism. She can be cold and distant and cruel and blunt. In other words. She’s a human being and I should really remember that we all are, next time I fall in love.

  • Adam 5:46 pm on April 7, 2017 Permalink |
    Tags: breakup, , dumped, failure, , ,   

    How the World Ended Again 

    I tried to summarize what happened with Jessie in a forum recently and rather than write it all out twice I’m putting it in here as well.


    I’m not even sure how to write this out. I had a relationship end recently. When we first got together she identified herself as Solo-Poly and already had a partner. He exited the picture (due to drama) about a month in. For the next 6 months we had an amazing relationship. We grew very close, we expressed Love for each other and it meant a huge amount to me. She was always careful about keeping her distance and not spending more than a few days a week together and I was totally fine with that because I liked that we retained our independence.
    After things settled into a fairly normal routine it seems like she immediately withdrew. She started making questionable decisions, and dating 3-4 new people in the space of 2 weeks. Ignoring me 6 out of 7 days a week and generally being dismissive and uncaring. When we were together things seemed fine. So i told myself that I’m just concerning myself with her time that isn’t my business, that she cares she’s just caught up with other things.
    Eventually I pointed out that how extremely I’m ignored during the other 6 days a week was hurtful to me, and I got a lecture about poly and independence and told that she’s simply ‘busy’ and doesn’t have time to chat. I told her that some of her decisions were questionable and she became very defensive and pulled away more. After a big discussion, she told me that she really loves me and sees a future for us, and that we can enable each other to continue to experiment and live our lives. It sounded kind of grand and sweet and I felt better.
    Then I kept getting ignored, I would send messages checking in, saying hi, saying sweet things, I would get back a one word response, or hours of delay. We would say goodnight every night and suddenly she started forgetting to more and more. It seemed like I would reach out and she would pull away more and more. Finally I had to speak up again. I said that I felt ignored and uncared for 6 out of 7 days a week and that simply hurt me and made me feel bad.
    She told me that she needed space to think and I gave her a day, then she asked for the whole weekend, then she said we could talk saturday, then it became sunday. Finally on sunday after just sitting on this conversation for 4+ days I was a wreck. I asked her if we could please meet face to face to discuss on sunday. She told me she ‘had plans’ and maybe could do a phone call in the evening. I was shocked, I’d been waiting in the wings for days with a real grievance and a real hurt. I asked again if we could meet face to face. She told me she had plans and wouldn’t have time. I told her that I cancelled my plans that weekend to give her space and maybe she could do the same for me. She refused. I was extremely hurt, I begged her to do this for me because I couldn’t stand all the waiting and she accused me of being dramatic, impatient and told me I was ‘making it worse’. I eventually had enough, and out of anger, I told her that we’re done and I blocked her on facebook.
    The next day I felt horrible, and I apologized and I offered to give us a few weeks to reset (which she had proposed at some point) and she agreed. A few days into the 2 weeks she asked to meet and told me she considered the romance ‘dead’ and that she wasn’t sure if we could get it back or not. I asked if we could continue to take the two weeks and discuss again. She agreed. A few days later she just called and told me that she had to draw her own boundaries and that we’re completely done. Maybe again someday, who knows, but for now we’re done.
    This whole thing crushed me. It came from me speaking up about feeling hurt and ignored, in return I was ignored for 4 more days and then treated like shit. It occurred to me that during our whole relationship that I had constantly put in effort and gone above and beyond to surprise her, delight her and make her happy, and that she had never – once – done that for me. She only did what was convenient. When I pointed this out on occasion she would tell me that we can talk about whatever I want, but that she was always going to do whatever she wanted. Never a compromise, never an effort outside convenience, over 8 months total. We had amazing chemistry, we had “love” but I feel like she never really knew what that meant and that it means some effort and some compromise. She seems to think it meant ‘we can share something 1 day a week’.
    Afterwards I heard similar stories from people dating solo-poly people. Calling (some of) them ‘experience chasers’ and that seemed to fit the bill. She always wanted to do ‘everything’ and to not be held back in any way by anyone. I respected the sense of adventure and courage that went with that, but I’ve felt betrayed by being told I’m loved, and then treated like I’m simply not. I feel like if she wanted the kind of relationship that was only convenient then we shouldn’t have let it get to that level. I don’t know my point here, I’m just absolutely devastated and I miss her. But I’ve committed to saying nothing for a few months to let the feelings die down. She seems like she’s fine and doesn’t care and is going on with her life and told me ‘take all the time you need’. So here I am… Processing. Angry, Hurt, Sad, many other things… Would appreciate any feedback.
  • Adam 9:25 pm on March 20, 2017 Permalink |
    Tags: , changes, , normal, , wagon,   

    Normal and I are Barely Acquainted 

    This is the first time in a while that I feel something like approaching normal. I think I’ve learned an important lesson about mixing pharmacology.

    A while back weed was made legal in California and while I’ve never really gotten into it, I’ve done it several times and had fun. My partner smokes on a regular basis and slowly over time I decided to start giving it a shot. Because I don’t drink or do pretty much anything I decided I could do with a ‘light vice’ in my life. At some point I was smoking about 3-4 nights a week. Not a ton, just a bit here and there.

    This went on for about 1-2 months and was seemingly very helpful. I was sleeping better. It was helping my mood. It made a slow day go by a lot better. Then, the anxiety started. In the past 2 years of Wellbutrin / Antidepressants, I’ve experienced a good deal of anxiety. It’s often triggered by stressful situations. When I was with Alessia her anger and threats to pull away would have my anxiety through the roof. Since then I’ve just had days now and again where I feel very anxious. But other than breaking up with Alessia it’s been not too bad.

    Suddenly in the last month or so I started feeling it whenever the slightest thing went wrong. Because this honestly is not completely out of the ordinary I did my best to cope, remain centered, and I would smoke a bit here and there to help as well. Slowly over weeks it got worse and worse.

    It was massively triggered when I went through a lot of stress with Jessie. Her decision to start dating several people at once, jealously issues, the fact that she seemed distant and to pull away all had me in a state of panic. To be fair, this would make me feel this way anyway. But it was like 10 hours a day of blinding, chest-racing, something is terribly wrong panic.

    I couldn’t stop talking about what was going on. I was word vomiting to my friends. Complaining. Inventing grievances. Re working the same issues 100 times over. It felt like my relationship was slipping away, that Jessie hated me, that Bonni hated me. That I was going to be alone and to ruin the only shot I’ve had in 3 years at “Love”. My best friend Matlock got mad at me for making everything about myself and for stressing him out with constant anxiety.

    All I can say while this was going on I never really assumed that the meds were ‘at fault’ – I felt a certain way and I assumed that I was justified in feeling that way. So if I was anxious – there was something wrong. Because there were things wrong I fixated on those and made them 1000 times bigger in my head. Honestly I acted paranoid and kind of like a crazy person.

    This went on for about 7-8 days getting worse by the day until I realized that I needed help. That I couldn’t keep living like this. Because my first instinct was that my relationship was causing this anxiety, that Jessie must the reason and that I’m just so afraid of losing her that I was going to lose her. I thought about ending things 100 times. I ended up taking space, distance and stepping away from the relationship. I thought that the only way I could keep things going was to match her distance and be barely in contact. This was kind of stupid but in retrospect it may have helped because it removed a factor from the equation.

    I spoke to my psychiatrist and she gave me some light meds for anxiety. I tried them, they did NOTHING. Meanwhile I’m crying every morning and night and I’m miserable and scared. At this point I had realized that it was probably my medication at least in part. After a week i quit smoking weed. After 7-8 days I had to stop caffeine, and a few days later I hit a bottom.

    I was sitting at home on a sunday. I slept in, I could barely get out of bed. I cried in the shower for 20 minutes straight. I watched TV for hours. It finally hit me all of a sudden that things are most definitely not right. I didn’t have a solution or an answer. I just thought back to what I did last time. I worked out every day. That helped a lot. So I decided to work out. I took a long walk up a huge hill. I was sweating and miserable and could barely breathe. My heart was pounding so much I thought I was going to faint or pass out. It took me 20 minutes to catch my breath. But I did it. When I got back home sweating and feeling like I’d run 10 miles instead of walked 2. I laid there in bed. Thoughts drifting.

    I felt better for having done some exercise. I felt like some of my energy was burned off. I felt… clearer. I decided that I should go back to working out daily. That I should cut my meds in half-doses immediately.  The next day I took half my usual dose, and I worked out again. The next day I did the same thing. and again and again.

    It’s been 2 weeks, 14 days. I did some reading a couple days ago and I found out that Weed and Wellbutrin are NOT at all compatible. That it can make all the symptoms worse, cause paranoia, psychotic behavior, extreme anxiety. I realized like a sledgehammer blow to the stomach. I did this to myself. I added in my own form of ‘medicine’ and as it built up over months I got worse and worse. Not realizing what was causing it, I would smoke more to ‘calm down’ or to sleep. Giving temporary relief but making the overall problem much worse.

    Jessie and I didn’t sleep together for a month (which for us is crazy) and we had arguments and I kept asking her for things that I couldn’t define or explain. Finally last Saturday we had an actual good, normal day. We both worked out and hung out all day. We laughed, made love, watched a movie, joked around and stared into each others eyes. It was like coming out of a tunnel and looking behind me and thinking “what the actual fuck”? Now I can have coffee in the morning.

    It’s taken weeks to calm down. I still feel wound up sometimes but it’s 10 percent panic instead of 90 percent panic. It’s the closest thing to normal that i know. I’m nothing but happy about working out for 14 days, I want to keep it going. I feel better about myself, I feel better about my relationship, and I just feel better. Apparently, I shouldn’t smoke pot. I should also know better than to just start taking a mood altering drug when I’m precariously balanced already.

    Everything isn’t perfect. There’s still some distance between Jessie and I that I could do without. I’m still worried about finances, and life, and my job, and dating. But I’ve never been so happy to just be worried in a normal way about normal things. I’ll be watching myself closely in the coming weeks to make sure I keep moving in a positive direction.

  • Adam 8:09 am on March 5, 2017 Permalink |  

    So stressed, so anxious, so damned everything 

    My anxiety is through the roof lately. I’ve been so incredibly stressed about Jessie. My jealousy, insecurity and inexperience with a poly lifestyle is being taxed to the extreme right now.

    A few weeks ago Jessie told me she was texting/flirting with her ex John. He struck me as kind of a drama queen and slightly toxic, so I wasn’t a fan of the idea. But it’s not my place to judge and I don’t control things so I shrugged and went on with life. Then I guess his girlfriend found out as this wasn’t really okay and put a stop to it. Jessie was heartbroken all over again and really frustrated at not being able to get what she wants. I was there all weekend to support her, make her feel better, and really just be there for her. I think I did a great job and she told me how she felt so supported and I felt good about that. I didn’t like the drama but I’m glad I did my part well.

    A few days later she told me they’re back to texting… I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I chose my words carefully and told her I didn’t think it was a good idea. She snapped at me and flipped out and didn’t take it well. I apologized and I told her it’s not my place to judge or be critical and she admitted that she was being overly defensive. It seemed to be sorted out but it bothered me quite a bit. I guess she felt like it was settled and I didn’t. Maybe because I didn’t feel heard really.

    A few days after that she went to her company party, she told me she was getting drunk and then we didn’t talk for the rest of the night. She didn’t say goodnight which we do every night without fail so I suspected something was up. The next morning she apologized for not saying goodnight and said it was a ‘crazy night’ but that she would tell me about it later. I immediately assumed there was something she wasn’t telling me. It worried me all day. When we finally saw each other that night she was still nursing a hangover.

    Despite that, she sat down and started showing me pictures of her company party. Here’s my boss, here’s the girl from HR, here’s this other coworker – I hooked up with him last night… and then went right on telling stories. She tried to gloss over it, she tried to slip it into conversation and that deeply bothered me. It felt awkward and deceptive. I pointed out that she was clearly skipping a big point here. She proceeded to tell me about getting way too drunk and hooking up with a coworker. I immediately asked if she had used protection as I was desperately afraid she was going to tell me she hadn’t. She assured me that it was totally safe and that there probably wasn’t much to it. It affected me but there’s nothing against the ‘rules’ about what she did. Although I think it’s a questionable decision, I let it lie and went on with the night.

    The next day she told me that he had called again and there might be something there after all. This is not the first time she’s told me there’s no feelings on the line and it turns out there is, it’s very stressful for me. She also told me about a date this week with yet another person. This guy that she’s ‘made out with’ but isn’t even sure if it’s a date. I’m pretty sure it’s a date… This seems to be an MO with her where she underestimates what something means with someone and it turns out to be a lot more. I feel like that’s likely going to happen again.

    So yeah, things went from being very smooth and working well to suddenly just one thing after another after another. I felt my jealousy rearing it’s head, and my concern rising and rising with dating coworkers, and being wasted, and dating some other guy who might not be a date, and her ex and flirting and I’m just overloaded. I woke up this morning crying. Just woke up fucking crying. I know that a lot of this drama isn’t about me, doesn’t affect me and isn’t really even my place to judge.

    I wanted to immediately fly off the handle, to say like 8 paragraphs of things. I knew that would be a mistake. I wrote it down in a notepad, then I rewrote it in 2 paragraphs, then I thought about it long and hard and I rewrote it one paragraph. Trying to get to the essence of the issue. It’s one of those instances where I think I made the absolute right move, but I still don’t feel happy about it. I realized after thinking about it that a lot of it just wasn’t my shit. As much as a lot of it worries me, and it makes me jealous. That’s not HER problem. It’s mine. So when I thought about the only thing that she COULD do for me it was to feel supported.

    When Carrie and I experimented with “swinging” I remember being so anxious, so jealous, and when she would come back from it we’d immediately make out like crazy and hook up and be super intense. It was something I think we both needed to reassure each other. I still love you, I still want you, you’re important to me too. I haven’t thought about that for a long time. But the same thing happened. When Jessie told me about her coworker I was put out. But afterward she climbed in my lap, kissed me, told me she loved me and gave me affection. It helped a lot. Because I think deep down the jealousy makes me worry that she cares less about me, or that I’m not as important.

    That’s what i asked for in my 1 paragraph. Something along the lines of “Hey there’s a LOT going on right now, and some of it makes me anxious, and I think I need more love and support right now to be okay with this”. Once again, I think this was absolutely the right thing to say. It’s all I could ask for really, and it’s all she would be willing to give anyway. She was willing she was receptive and we had good communication about it. So why am I wide awake, my heart pounding, thinking about her with this other-other-other dude tonight who “might not be a thing”.  A lot of people who are poly tell me – it gets easier – that you have to get through some hard times, facing down your jealousy. I feel like I’ve been thrown into the advanced class with no training.

    I can deal with the fact that she has other partners, or a random hook up. It’s a bigger deal to me than it should be, but I get over it, I come to grips with it. It’s like baby steps. When 4 of these things happen in a week I’m a hot mess. I’m so freaked out I’m considering ending it or stepping back in the relationship. It’s made all the harder by the concept that she seems to think we’re amazing and fine and ‘in this together’ with zero doubts. She’s not good about empathy or understanding other people. Honestly I appreciate her faith in us and it helps. I just don’t think she understands the level to which this affects me. And even if she did she wouldn’t want to alter her actions or her choices. She’s going to have a lot of weird adventurous experiences and that’s been made perfectly clear. I can accept her for how she is or get out of this situation. I want desperately to accept her. I want so badly to not be jealous and just be the kind of zen master who can say “these other people don’t affect me” and go on being happy with my partner. I know in my logical brain that’s how it should be.

    Yet here I am, heart racing, stomach in knots, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I think I’m frustrated because I’ve done all I can. I did the right thing and I don’t feel a whole lot better. Any more discussion would dip into unhealthy topics and make things worse, I feel that in my bones, I know how I can be. So really I just need to grin and bear it. To get through what I’m going through. Identify it (Fear, Jealousy, Concern, Insecurity, Abandonment) and experience some damn growth and become a better person. My friends told me to take a step back if I need to, and I can’t seem to do that, at least not emotionally. I can’t just suddenly not love Jessie or love her less. But I do think that maybe I need to date more, to have other things going on in my life. I need to stop acting like someone with a girlfriend and that’s it, and start living the lifestyle I’ve chosen. If I had 4 women lined up this week I would be ecstatic. I would feel like I’m on top of the world and probably doing pretty well. With things with Bonni ending I feel twice as alone and twice as invested in the one person remaining. That’s maybe not doing me any favors.

    I feel better laying it all out here, at least it makes sense and it’s sequential. The older I get the more I think writing things down really helps me. I seem to think better in text, in the written word. It’s so much more tangible for me. Sometimes I think Jessie is a fucking genius and really doing life right, not living it for anyone else and going for the throat in all of her endeavors. I wish I could have that kind of wild passion and pure intention. A clear plan and a clear execution. Other times I think she doesn’t stop to think about the consequences of her actions, how she affects people or makes them feel and that she can be almost a little heartless. Part of me wonders if she will be good for me in the long run, and part of me wonders if that’s not the point, and that I don’t need to worry about the long run and just be in it because I want to be in it. Accept that it might and probably will end at some point and other things will follow. Still it makes me sad. I miss the false illusion of security I got with monogamy sometimes.

  • Adam 7:12 am on March 5, 2017 Permalink |  

    End of an Era, Dawn of a Day 

    So last weekend, I ended things with Bonni. I feel like I could have taken more charge with the situation. For months now we’ve been growing apart and there was this palpable tension. Every time we hung out I could tell there was a huge distance between us, and that we both didn’t know what to do about it.

    In retrospect I think I could have seen the forest for the trees and addressed the issue head on. We had the opportunity a few weeks before when she brought up the issue and I did my best to address it. Neither of us wanted to break up, to call it dead. We wanted to hang onto whatever we could. Neither of us wanted to be the one to drop the bomb.

    A few weeks later we’re in the car, leaving a movie, she’d been moody and distant the whole weekend. I could feel it on my shoulders like a boulder pushing me to earth. Finally she said something snide or snarky and I blew up. I called her out on her behavior and she yelled back at me. I pulled the car over and we both unloaded for a few minutes. We quickly got a grasp on the situation, took a deep breath and scaled it back. I’m grateful for that. We both caught ourselves before the anger got out of hand.

    We still couldn’t get around to saying the words. It made it worse because she accused me of not loving her as much as she loved me. I had a moment where I completely lost words. I’ve tried to be honest with her about what I’m capable of, which in our relationship was not love. I do love her in my own way but not the same way she does me. I’ll write more on this later.

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