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  • Adam 9:31 pm on March 20, 2020 Permalink  

    I only come back here most times to look at past progress, to let myself know where I’m at and take stock. There was a time where I wrote in this every day and it was great therapy. I miss that sometimes. Don’t have much time, but broke up with martha, which helped motivate me to change jobs. I got a new girlfriend who is much more positive (michelle) and sometimes taxing because I’m still clawing my way out of depression. Still it’s nice to be partnered with someone who is thinking positive and optimistically. I think 2 severely depressed people can’t work or live well together. That’s the lesson I’ve learned, among others.

    Anyway more to come, but i’m alive.

     
  • Adam 10:22 pm on January 7, 2019 Permalink  

    Been quite a while since I blogged. I take that as a good sign. Life of course has it’s ups and downs but I wrote in here because I was burning up inside and had to spew out my emotions en masse on the daily. However, now in a stable long term relationship (Martha) and things are doing relatively okay. We both work a lot, and my new job keeps me busy but well paid. We have our own place and we even got a dog (Corgi).

    I come back here every now and again to see what I’ve been through and what I’ve accomplished. I knew that someday I would push through to the other side and this wouldn’t consume me and wouldn’t haunt my every waking moment. I still see Carrie and honestly we’re doing better than ever so far. We’re actually becoming friends, hanging out on occasion, we had dinner a few weekends ago and had some good conversation.

    I have to admit there’s still feelings brewing under the surface. I can feel it like a big scab on an old wound. I know that if I pick just a little too much that I’ll re-open more than I can handle. But I know what makes today more bearable and relationships more bearable. My self worth is not entirely caught up in someone else. I love my partner and if she left I would be devastated but I would survive and I would handle it in a healthy way. I still stumble, make mistakes and do stupid things sometimes. Mostly I do what I’m supposed to do. I need to get back into working out and wrangle my finances. Those are my usual problems I suppose and I need to make sure they don’t get out of hand. They both frighten me and in the meantime I work and eat and sleep and play with the dog and spend time with martha. It’s good. It’s a good life and while I want to make it better. I’m not upset, I’m not anxious.

    I am sad. I am still sad when I dig into the center of me, but I think that’s just depression and too specific a memory. I know that when I look back at huge chunks of my life I still see failures. I see a lot more victories lately but I see so many failures behind me. I lack energy and motivation still. I’m working on that, with meds and health and so on. Most of the time I’m ‘fine’ but sometimes I’m still sad. When I see Carrie and then leave and then like 20 minutes later it still stings. it reminds me of so many things I left unsaid. Eventually they had to be left unsaid or I would never move on.

    I’m sad that it doesn’t hurt as much. I’m sad that I don’t think about her most of the time to be honest. I worry and I care and I love her, I always will. But I’ve managed to disconnect my life from hers and my success hurts just slightly less than all the failure before it.

    In the meantime. Seasonal depression took me last winter and really kicked my ass. I’ve felt like it never really went away and here we are back into winter again, so maybe it’s not seasonal maybe it’s just long term depression that needs more drastic fixing. It’s exhausting to think how hard I’m supposed to work to keep this at bay. Sometimes it’s just easier to give up for an hour or a day and live on the couch and sleep. I know that it’s making it harder in the long term but sometimes I need that. So it is what it is.

    Gotta run, dealing with a lot of dental issues but that’s a different story. Good luck readers.

     
  • Adam 4:43 pm on July 10, 2018 Permalink |  

    Quick update, winter has dragged on all the way through summer. All the working out has stopped, the new job is great and keeping me busy. Martha is moving in and so far that seems like a great idea, no issues, no fights, no drama. I’m taking a vacation soon and I really need it, I need to unplug, to meditate and to reset. So some things are great, and some things are terrible. What else is new?

     
  • Adam 5:22 am on March 15, 2017 Permalink |  

    Confused, Complicated, Confounded 

    I feel complicated lately, like everything is hard to figure out. My anxiety is just my companion now. I went from not having anxiety a month ago to having it every goddamned day. It’s been better since I cut my meds in half and it got so bad I ordered meds to help with the anxiety. They will take a few days to get here and a few weeks to really take effect. I guess I’ll be on half dose until then and see how I feel. I’m assuming that if I’m less anxious, working out every day and on a half dose of meds that I’ll honestly be a in far better place.

    That seems about as far away as mars right now but I’m trying. I’ve started working out daily. I know better than to punish myself or make this something I can’t sustain so I’m just doing what I can. A walk, the elliptical. 10 minutes of YouTube videos, whatever gets me through another day with the feeling of ‘okay I did something’.

    My mantra a long time ago was “Do something every day, that you’re proud of” and the best and easiest way to do that was to work out daily. The eating better came along with it, because you don’t want to waste the effort. I’m a lot more conscious of food, and a lot more active day to day. This is LONG overdue. I should have never stopped. Instead I had about a year and a half where I’ve just done literally nothing for days at a time. Laid in the dark watching TV for 10 hours and then sleeping. I should have noticed I was so low but I couldn’t get motivated.

    When things with Jessie got super stressful and she started dating left and right my anxiety went through the roof. My jealousy reared its head. Everything seemed ten times worse. The ONE good thing I can say is that it felt like a bottom it felt like a very bad place to be. I promised myself I would never hit bottom again. I woke up, and I started making changes. They felt necessary. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I just started working out again daily. Adjusting my meds, and Jessie and I got to talk things out and it wasn’t as bad as I feared.

    I’m doing better, I can’t deny that. This vs 2 weeks ago is miles better. But I’m still not great. But if I go to the gym, beat myself up and then go home and veg out. It’s not so bad. I’ve started looking for dates on OK Cupid, I need other people to focus on besides Jessie. I need to have some adventures and get laid. I need perspective and I need it badly. Putting all my hopes and dreams into one person who doesn’t put all theirs into you is unfair and doesn’t go well.

     
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