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  • Adam 9:25 pm on March 20, 2017 Permalink |
    Tags: , changes, , normal, , wagon,   

    Normal and I are Barely Acquainted 

    This is the first time in a while that I feel something like approaching normal. I think I’ve learned an important lesson about mixing pharmacology.

    A while back weed was made legal in California and while I’ve never really gotten into it, I’ve done it several times and had fun. My partner smokes on a regular basis and slowly over time I decided to start giving it a shot. Because I don’t drink or do pretty much anything I decided I could do with a ‘light vice’ in my life. At some point I was smoking about 3-4 nights a week. Not a ton, just a bit here and there.

    This went on for about 1-2 months and was seemingly very helpful. I was sleeping better. It was helping my mood. It made a slow day go by a lot better. Then, the anxiety started. In the past 2 years of Wellbutrin / Antidepressants, I’ve experienced a good deal of anxiety. It’s often triggered by stressful situations. When I was with Alessia her anger and threats to pull away would have my anxiety through the roof. Since then I’ve just had days now and again where I feel very anxious. But other than breaking up with Alessia it’s been not too bad.

    Suddenly in the last month or so I started feeling it whenever the slightest thing went wrong. Because this honestly is not completely out of the ordinary I did my best to cope, remain centered, and I would smoke a bit here and there to help as well. Slowly over weeks it got worse and worse.

    It was massively triggered when I went through a lot of stress with Jessie. Her decision to start dating several people at once, jealously issues, the fact that she seemed distant and to pull away all had me in a state of panic. To be fair, this would make me feel this way anyway. But it was like 10 hours a day of blinding, chest-racing, something is terribly wrong panic.

    I couldn’t stop talking about what was going on. I was word vomiting to my friends. Complaining. Inventing grievances. Re working the same issues 100 times over. It felt like my relationship was slipping away, that Jessie hated me, that Bonni hated me. That I was going to be alone and to ruin the only shot I’ve had in 3 years at “Love”. My best friend Matlock got mad at me for making everything about myself and for stressing him out with constant anxiety.

    All I can say while this was going on I never really assumed that the meds were ‘at fault’ – I felt a certain way and I assumed that I was justified in feeling that way. So if I was anxious – there was something wrong. Because there were things wrong I fixated on those and made them 1000 times bigger in my head. Honestly I acted paranoid and kind of like a crazy person.

    This went on for about 7-8 days getting worse by the day until I realized that I needed help. That I couldn’t keep living like this. Because my first instinct was that my relationship was causing this anxiety, that Jessie must the reason and that I’m just so afraid of losing her that I was going to lose her. I thought about ending things 100 times. I ended up taking space, distance and stepping away from the relationship. I thought that the only way I could keep things going was to match her distance and be barely in contact. This was kind of stupid but in retrospect it may have helped because it removed a factor from the equation.

    I spoke to my psychiatrist and she gave me some light meds for anxiety. I tried them, they did NOTHING. Meanwhile I’m crying every morning and night and I’m miserable and scared. At this point I had realized that it was probably my medication at least in part. After a week i quit smoking weed. After 7-8 days I had to stop caffeine, and a few days later I hit a bottom.

    I was sitting at home on a sunday. I slept in, I could barely get out of bed. I cried in the shower for 20 minutes straight. I watched TV for hours. It finally hit me all of a sudden that things are most definitely not right. I didn’t have a solution or an answer. I just thought back to what I did last time. I worked out every day. That helped a lot. So I decided to work out. I took a long walk up a huge hill. I was sweating and miserable and could barely breathe. My heart was pounding so much I thought I was going to faint or pass out. It took me 20 minutes to catch my breath. But I did it. When I got back home sweating and feeling like I’d run 10 miles instead of walked 2. I laid there in bed. Thoughts drifting.

    I felt better for having done some exercise. I felt like some of my energy was burned off. I felt… clearer. I decided that I should go back to working out daily. That I should cut my meds in half-doses immediately.  The next day I took half my usual dose, and I worked out again. The next day I did the same thing. and again and again.

    It’s been 2 weeks, 14 days. I did some reading a couple days ago and I found out that Weed and Wellbutrin are NOT at all compatible. That it can make all the symptoms worse, cause paranoia, psychotic behavior, extreme anxiety. I realized like a sledgehammer blow to the stomach. I did this to myself. I added in my own form of ‘medicine’ and as it built up over months I got worse and worse. Not realizing what was causing it, I would smoke more to ‘calm down’ or to sleep. Giving temporary relief but making the overall problem much worse.

    Jessie and I didn’t sleep together for a month (which for us is crazy) and we had arguments and I kept asking her for things that I couldn’t define or explain. Finally last Saturday we had an actual good, normal day. We both worked out and hung out all day. We laughed, made love, watched a movie, joked around and stared into each others eyes. It was like coming out of a tunnel and looking behind me and thinking “what the actual fuck”? Now I can have coffee in the morning.

    It’s taken weeks to calm down. I still feel wound up sometimes but it’s 10 percent panic instead of 90 percent panic. It’s the closest thing to normal that i know. I’m nothing but happy about working out for 14 days, I want to keep it going. I feel better about myself, I feel better about my relationship, and I just feel better. Apparently, I shouldn’t smoke pot. I should also know better than to just start taking a mood altering drug when I’m precariously balanced already.

    Everything isn’t perfect. There’s still some distance between Jessie and I that I could do without. I’m still worried about finances, and life, and my job, and dating. But I’ve never been so happy to just be worried in a normal way about normal things. I’ll be watching myself closely in the coming weeks to make sure I keep moving in a positive direction.

  • Adam 5:22 am on March 15, 2017 Permalink |  

    Confused, Complicated, Confounded 

    I feel complicated lately, like everything is hard to figure out. My anxiety is just my companion now. I went from not having anxiety a month ago to having it every goddamned day. It’s been better since I cut my meds in half and it got so bad I ordered meds to help with the anxiety. They will take a few days to get here and a few weeks to really take effect. I guess I’ll be on half dose until then and see how I feel. I’m assuming that if I’m less anxious, working out every day and on a half dose of meds that I’ll honestly be a in far better place.

    That seems about as far away as mars right now but I’m trying. I’ve started working out daily. I know better than to punish myself or make this something I can’t sustain so I’m just doing what I can. A walk, the elliptical. 10 minutes of YouTube videos, whatever gets me through another day with the feeling of ‘okay I did something’.

    My mantra a long time ago was “Do something every day, that you’re proud of” and the best and easiest way to do that was to work out daily. The eating better came along with it, because you don’t want to waste the effort. I’m a lot more conscious of food, and a lot more active day to day. This is LONG overdue. I should have never stopped. Instead I had about a year and a half where I’ve just done literally nothing for days at a time. Laid in the dark watching TV for 10 hours and then sleeping. I should have noticed I was so low but I couldn’t get motivated.

    When things with Jessie got super stressful and she started dating left and right my anxiety went through the roof. My jealousy reared its head. Everything seemed ten times worse. The ONE good thing I can say is that it felt like a bottom it felt like a very bad place to be. I promised myself I would never hit bottom again. I woke up, and I started making changes. They felt necessary. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I just started working out again daily. Adjusting my meds, and Jessie and I got to talk things out and it wasn’t as bad as I feared.

    I’m doing better, I can’t deny that. This vs 2 weeks ago is miles better. But I’m still not great. But if I go to the gym, beat myself up and then go home and veg out. It’s not so bad. I’ve started looking for dates on OK Cupid, I need other people to focus on besides Jessie. I need to have some adventures and get laid. I need perspective and I need it badly. Putting all my hopes and dreams into one person who doesn’t put all theirs into you is unfair and doesn’t go well.

  • Adam 8:09 am on March 5, 2017 Permalink |  

    So stressed, so anxious, so damned everything 

    My anxiety is through the roof lately. I’ve been so incredibly stressed about Jessie. My jealousy, insecurity and inexperience with a poly lifestyle is being taxed to the extreme right now.

    A few weeks ago Jessie told me she was texting/flirting with her ex John. He struck me as kind of a drama queen and slightly toxic, so I wasn’t a fan of the idea. But it’s not my place to judge and I don’t control things so I shrugged and went on with life. Then I guess his girlfriend found out as this wasn’t really okay and put a stop to it. Jessie was heartbroken all over again and really frustrated at not being able to get what she wants. I was there all weekend to support her, make her feel better, and really just be there for her. I think I did a great job and she told me how she felt so supported and I felt good about that. I didn’t like the drama but I’m glad I did my part well.

    A few days later she told me they’re back to texting… I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I chose my words carefully and told her I didn’t think it was a good idea. She snapped at me and flipped out and didn’t take it well. I apologized and I told her it’s not my place to judge or be critical and she admitted that she was being overly defensive. It seemed to be sorted out but it bothered me quite a bit. I guess she felt like it was settled and I didn’t. Maybe because I didn’t feel heard really.

    A few days after that she went to her company party, she told me she was getting drunk and then we didn’t talk for the rest of the night. She didn’t say goodnight which we do every night without fail so I suspected something was up. The next morning she apologized for not saying goodnight and said it was a ‘crazy night’ but that she would tell me about it later. I immediately assumed there was something she wasn’t telling me. It worried me all day. When we finally saw each other that night she was still nursing a hangover.

    Despite that, she sat down and started showing me pictures of her company party. Here’s my boss, here’s the girl from HR, here’s this other coworker – I hooked up with him last night… and then went right on telling stories. She tried to gloss over it, she tried to slip it into conversation and that deeply bothered me. It felt awkward and deceptive. I pointed out that she was clearly skipping a big point here. She proceeded to tell me about getting way too drunk and hooking up with a coworker. I immediately asked if she had used protection as I was desperately afraid she was going to tell me she hadn’t. She assured me that it was totally safe and that there probably wasn’t much to it. It affected me but there’s nothing against the ‘rules’ about what she did. Although I think it’s a questionable decision, I let it lie and went on with the night.

    The next day she told me that he had called again and there might be something there after all. This is not the first time she’s told me there’s no feelings on the line and it turns out there is, it’s very stressful for me. She also told me about a date this week with yet another person. This guy that she’s ‘made out with’ but isn’t even sure if it’s a date. I’m pretty sure it’s a date… This seems to be an MO with her where she underestimates what something means with someone and it turns out to be a lot more. I feel like that’s likely going to happen again.

    So yeah, things went from being very smooth and working well to suddenly just one thing after another after another. I felt my jealousy rearing it’s head, and my concern rising and rising with dating coworkers, and being wasted, and dating some other guy who might not be a date, and her ex and flirting and I’m just overloaded. I woke up this morning crying. Just woke up fucking crying. I know that a lot of this drama isn’t about me, doesn’t affect me and isn’t really even my place to judge.

    I wanted to immediately fly off the handle, to say like 8 paragraphs of things. I knew that would be a mistake. I wrote it down in a notepad, then I rewrote it in 2 paragraphs, then I thought about it long and hard and I rewrote it one paragraph. Trying to get to the essence of the issue. It’s one of those instances where I think I made the absolute right move, but I still don’t feel happy about it. I realized after thinking about it that a lot of it just wasn’t my shit. As much as a lot of it worries me, and it makes me jealous. That’s not HER problem. It’s mine. So when I thought about the only thing that she COULD do for me it was to feel supported.

    When Carrie and I experimented with “swinging” I remember being so anxious, so jealous, and when she would come back from it we’d immediately make out like crazy and hook up and be super intense. It was something I think we both needed to reassure each other. I still love you, I still want you, you’re important to me too. I haven’t thought about that for a long time. But the same thing happened. When Jessie told me about her coworker I was put out. But afterward she climbed in my lap, kissed me, told me she loved me and gave me affection. It helped a lot. Because I think deep down the jealousy makes me worry that she cares less about me, or that I’m not as important.

    That’s what i asked for in my 1 paragraph. Something along the lines of “Hey there’s a LOT going on right now, and some of it makes me anxious, and I think I need more love and support right now to be okay with this”. Once again, I think this was absolutely the right thing to say. It’s all I could ask for really, and it’s all she would be willing to give anyway. She was willing she was receptive and we had good communication about it. So why am I wide awake, my heart pounding, thinking about her with this other-other-other dude tonight who “might not be a thing”.  A lot of people who are poly tell me – it gets easier – that you have to get through some hard times, facing down your jealousy. I feel like I’ve been thrown into the advanced class with no training.

    I can deal with the fact that she has other partners, or a random hook up. It’s a bigger deal to me than it should be, but I get over it, I come to grips with it. It’s like baby steps. When 4 of these things happen in a week I’m a hot mess. I’m so freaked out I’m considering ending it or stepping back in the relationship. It’s made all the harder by the concept that she seems to think we’re amazing and fine and ‘in this together’ with zero doubts. She’s not good about empathy or understanding other people. Honestly I appreciate her faith in us and it helps. I just don’t think she understands the level to which this affects me. And even if she did she wouldn’t want to alter her actions or her choices. She’s going to have a lot of weird adventurous experiences and that’s been made perfectly clear. I can accept her for how she is or get out of this situation. I want desperately to accept her. I want so badly to not be jealous and just be the kind of zen master who can say “these other people don’t affect me” and go on being happy with my partner. I know in my logical brain that’s how it should be.

    Yet here I am, heart racing, stomach in knots, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I think I’m frustrated because I’ve done all I can. I did the right thing and I don’t feel a whole lot better. Any more discussion would dip into unhealthy topics and make things worse, I feel that in my bones, I know how I can be. So really I just need to grin and bear it. To get through what I’m going through. Identify it (Fear, Jealousy, Concern, Insecurity, Abandonment) and experience some damn growth and become a better person. My friends told me to take a step back if I need to, and I can’t seem to do that, at least not emotionally. I can’t just suddenly not love Jessie or love her less. But I do think that maybe I need to date more, to have other things going on in my life. I need to stop acting like someone with a girlfriend and that’s it, and start living the lifestyle I’ve chosen. If I had 4 women lined up this week I would be ecstatic. I would feel like I’m on top of the world and probably doing pretty well. With things with Bonni ending I feel twice as alone and twice as invested in the one person remaining. That’s maybe not doing me any favors.

    I feel better laying it all out here, at least it makes sense and it’s sequential. The older I get the more I think writing things down really helps me. I seem to think better in text, in the written word. It’s so much more tangible for me. Sometimes I think Jessie is a fucking genius and really doing life right, not living it for anyone else and going for the throat in all of her endeavors. I wish I could have that kind of wild passion and pure intention. A clear plan and a clear execution. Other times I think she doesn’t stop to think about the consequences of her actions, how she affects people or makes them feel and that she can be almost a little heartless. Part of me wonders if she will be good for me in the long run, and part of me wonders if that’s not the point, and that I don’t need to worry about the long run and just be in it because I want to be in it. Accept that it might and probably will end at some point and other things will follow. Still it makes me sad. I miss the false illusion of security I got with monogamy sometimes.

  • Adam 7:12 am on March 5, 2017 Permalink |  

    End of an Era, Dawn of a Day 

    So last weekend, I ended things with Bonni. I feel like I could have taken more charge with the situation. For months now we’ve been growing apart and there was this palpable tension. Every time we hung out I could tell there was a huge distance between us, and that we both didn’t know what to do about it.

    In retrospect I think I could have seen the forest for the trees and addressed the issue head on. We had the opportunity a few weeks before when she brought up the issue and I did my best to address it. Neither of us wanted to break up, to call it dead. We wanted to hang onto whatever we could. Neither of us wanted to be the one to drop the bomb.

    A few weeks later we’re in the car, leaving a movie, she’d been moody and distant the whole weekend. I could feel it on my shoulders like a boulder pushing me to earth. Finally she said something snide or snarky and I blew up. I called her out on her behavior and she yelled back at me. I pulled the car over and we both unloaded for a few minutes. We quickly got a grasp on the situation, took a deep breath and scaled it back. I’m grateful for that. We both caught ourselves before the anger got out of hand.

    We still couldn’t get around to saying the words. It made it worse because she accused me of not loving her as much as she loved me. I had a moment where I completely lost words. I’ve tried to be honest with her about what I’m capable of, which in our relationship was not love. I do love her in my own way but not the same way she does me. I’ll write more on this later.

  • Adam 7:50 am on February 6, 2017 Permalink |
    Tags: , fight, insecurity, jealousy, , party, , veronica   

    Sometimes it’s Sunny When it’s Raining… 

    It’s raining and it’s been raining nonstop for days. Honestly couldn’t care less. I’m not out in it. I’ve had a good weekend. A lot to cover and I wanted to decompress. This is my therapy and i’m in need of more of that.

    Firstly, Jessie and I had a kind of fight. It’s actually taught me a lot. For some background, a month or so ago she told me she was going to ‘hook up’ with her ex boyfriend (Blake) back in LA. She was going for a visit to some friends and was very blunt and honest about what her intentions were. I admire how honest and forthright she is. However it came across as kind of blunt and I didn’t react well. Some of this was jealousy some of it was just feeling that she was being insensitive.

    We had a discussion and she told me, it’s just a hookup, there’s no emotional involvement. When she came back, she told me that they didn’t use protection which is a breach of trust for us. We have agreed in the past to be protected with anyone that isn’t tested and a regular partner. So while she’s perfectly within her rights to hookup with whomever she wants, that was a big blow. Also she told me that things had gotten emotional and they would be pursuing some level of relationship. All of it hurt and rubbed me the wrong way. I originally took out my anger and feelings on Blake. Not wanting to blame Jessie I shifted my mistrust and blame to him. It’s kind of a classic guy move, I know.

    At the time i swept my feelings under the rug and decided to forgive her. However a month later she told me out of nowhere that she was spending Valentines with Blake. It had nothing to do with the holiday just timing-wise it’s what worked. To be honest i had completely assumed we were going to be hanging out on Valentines. I didn’t ask or check but there was no reason to think anyone else was going to take precedence. It hit me pretty hard, it brought up all the feelings from before. I blamed Blake again in my mind and I got really upset.

    At the time I recognized that I was getting more upset than was called for. It was triggering for me I think from a lot of my past experiences with Carrie and other women. I told Jessie that i needed space, I pushed her away and I was kind of rude to her. She was offended and not happy about it. After taking a day or two to cool down I started talking with friends, posting on poly support groups and trying to find the root of my reaction. I also met with Jessie. Luckily I had JUST enough time to kind of figure it out.

    I realized that 99 percent of this was insecurity, and trust issues and that 99 percent of it lay within me. When Jessie did make a mistake she told me immediately. Beyond that she had done nothing wrong. Instead I was finding fault, inventing reasons and finding ways to be justified to be angry. This led to a deep introspection where I tried very hard to look at my core, to take ownership of my reactions and my feelings. Acknowledge the source of these problems was the initial breach of trust, and that it cascaded into a lot of dramatic behavior. When we did speak she felt the need to set me straight about a few things.

    She is Solo/Poly which means that she doesn’t have a ‘primary’ partner, that I’m not going to live with her, or take precedence over anyone else. I’m her partner, and we love each other. But she owes me no obligation for anything. She doesn’t owe me any holidays, she is under no obligation to see me next week or next month for that matter. She is allowed to date whoever she wants, whenever she wants. She cares about me and my feelings but she is very firm on her independence. I think she had a long 14 year relationship and the feeling of not being ‘tied down’ is next to godliness in her opinion. I do understand, frankly.

    Anyway all this had already been said in so many terms but was driven home. I started to doubt our relationship, that I mattered to her, it set me off on another tangent. I had to start looking at what kind of relationship I was signing up for. What we meant to each other what kind of boundaries i would have to lay out for myself to be okay with all of this. I decided that I loved Jessie and that I want it to work. But also that it means honoring what I’ve signed up for. If I’m poly, if I’m having multiple partners and the possibilities of sharing real LOVE with more than one person that I would have to change my paradigm of what a relationship is.

    I’ve also realized that I’ve been putting all my eggs in one basket so to speak. Things with Bonni are low key and we’re both busy with our partners who are nearby and so really I just thought of Jessie as my girlfriend and to be honest was living in a little bit of a fantasy about it. I’ve started to renew my interest in dating, in seeing possibilities, and in studying what it means to be in this kind of relationship. I’m working on my jealousy, my insecurity and once I managed to identify all this I felt 1000 times better. I realized that Blake isn’t my problem, he’s just some guy and only around every few months for a day or so. He’s a drop in the bucket. I offered to meet with him, bury the hatchet, have coffee and see that he’s not a horrible person. Jessie appreciated that although she worried that I was asking to ‘approve her partners’ I set her straight that I’m making a nice gesture and her choices are still her own.

    So I’ve come through a wall of jealousy, I hurt Jessie’s feelings and I acted like a bit of an ass. After I got over myself we had another talk and things went much better. She told me about her intention to also do some dating in the near future and I was fine with it. After both of us walking on eggshells for a few weeks and doubting everything that we are to each other we finally got back on a positive track. We hung out last week to go bowling and play pool. Just the two of us. It was a total blast. I remember thinking I should have done these things with Carrie. I never wanted to go out and if I did I always wanted our friends to be there. We almost never did anything just the two of us. I think because of the issues we had I didn’t really want to be vulnerable with Carrie. I’m not really sure honestly. I just know I resisted it in the past.

    So we had a cute silly date, it was a total blast. We both expressed afterwards how we felt much better about us and our relationship and we seemed to be going back in a good direction. It was a huge weight off my chest. This past weekend I had my first ‘party’ at my house. I had a game night where several people came over and played Cards Against Humanity. I had a great time and didn’t need to drink or do any drugs and I didn’t feel weird about it. Just sipped my sparkling water and cracked jokes and had a great time. Jessie did too. I met a beautiful poly girl who is dating another friend of mine. We instantly had some chemistry however we didn’t talk much. I reached out today and got a really good response. Might be something, might not but it was a good feeling. It reminded me that I also have this freedom and that I”m not burning anyone, hurting anyone, I’m not cheating or doing anything wrong. I can date, I can meet people too. I can pursue or not pursue opportunity as I see fit. I still love Jessie and I’ve come to realize that I can do that and still have room for more love in my heart.

    It’s opened some doors in my brain. One, that I still have a lot to learn about poly. Two, that I am capable of more than I thought. Three, that I have really learned and applied some coping skills that will change how the rest of my life will be going forward. Four, that I’m just scratching the surface of the kind of life I could have. With relationships, with love, with life. Whenever things get serious I think of Carrie too sometimes. I have so many regrets. So many things I know now that would have made everything go a different direction. I wish I could share that feeling with her. But I keep her out of my life now. I’ve shut a door on that chapter and even though it hurts to think about. I’ve left the door closed for now, for who knows long? I find myself happy right now. Full of hope, full of love, full of discovery. I’m re-writing the script for my life and just starting to see how much power I have in that.

    Long post, long week. Gotta work tomorrow and do some more thinking and some more writing soon.

  • Adam 12:17 am on January 14, 2017 Permalink |
    Tags: , health, , medical, , wellbutrin   

    The General Wellbeing of Broken People 

    The last couple posts dealt with hormones and health problems. I should probably take stock of where I’m at.

    I finally gave in and started TRT (Testosterone Replacement Therapy) Having a completely broken sex drive while trying to forge a new relationship was just too much. I was pushing away Bonni and I was having trouble gaining any interest in sex whatsoever. Even when it happened it was lackluster half the time.

    That was the final motivator, I’ve had a lot of other problems probably stemming from this and that was the final piece. I’ve done as much research as I can and one thing I’ve found is that being overweight can sap your “T” considerably. I’m certainly still overweight. Stable but not where I should be at all. However with no energy and no passion it seemed impossible to work out.

    Well a lot of things are better. It took several weeks to start having an effect and even then was subtle. Slowly but surely my sex drive has returned and is feeling much more normal. My energy is better, my focus is better. Between that finally stabilizing on WellButrin I’ve found a pretty good niche lately. The WellButrin keeps me relatively flat/level which isn’t ideal. But the TRT makes me feel more energetic, more capable and more competitive. I find myself cracking jokes more, engaging my coworkers more, going out more. It’s certainly helped more than I even thought.

    So yeah, it might be something I’m dependent on for the rest of my life. I’m not sure the alternative? Being broken I suppose which isn’t any better? The only thing I have in mind is that losing a lot of weight might ease the burden. So I’m trying to channel this energy into getting fit again and see if that can get me to a place where maybe TRT isn’t needed or can be reduced.

    In the meantime, things are manageable. I feel more positive, more stable and more of moving forward. I’ve been starting to make a real plan to fix my debt and finances and I’m trying to decide my fitness regime. It’s hard in the dead of winter to get the motivation, as this is usually a hard time for me. But it’s 2017 and it’s time to start kicking a bit more ass. I’ve got a life that’s worth living now and i’m much more motivated to start trying to protect it and improve it. I also have started to feel at home in the East Bay, it’s taken quite a while but I’m starting to get my bearings, to feel comfortable and realize that this is my home, and this is my life, and really, it’s not so bad.

  • Adam 12:01 am on January 14, 2017 Permalink |  

    In Sleep I Slip My Dagger Into Silence 

    Lately at the end of the night or the beginning of the day, laying in bed and letting my thoughts wander, they have been returning to Carrie. There’s so much more going on and I feel like I should be thinking of her less than ever. But I still do, and it still hurts.

    If you read back over my many posts, you can probably count how many times I’ve tried to “unplug” or “disconnect” from any communication with her. How many times it was the last time we might ever talk. For me a turning point was changing my phone number. I’ve had the same one for about 12 years and now that my work is willing to pay my bill i opted to have one less bill in my life.

    Along with that I had to send messages to ALL my friends saying “hi here’s my new number” I elected not to send it to Carrie. I didn’t give her my new number. She doesn’t have it. I can’t tell you what that means to me. To really wipe her off the possibility of casual contact. I assume if she really needed to reach me she could ask a friend, or email me, or unblock me on facebook. So if anything important comes up I’m sure she’ll figure it out.

    This was big for me. It was setting down the proverbial stone I’ve been carrying around. It meant that there probably wouldn’t be any contact for a long time. If i’m not initiating it, she probably won’t anytime soon. I guess that’s what I’ve realized, is that I’m the one hanging onto this and she has moved on. It’s time for me to really accept that and do the same.

    I find myself in Love. Things with Jessie have continued to progress. I feared for so long that I might NEVER love again. Even now it’s a delicate thing, a scary thing, a more tempered version. One of the thing we’ve talked about and dealt with several times is the “Poly” lifestyle. She is very intent on not having one partner, not getting trapped into a 1 on 1 relationship again. I have a hard time figuring out sometimes if it’s just because of her past or if she really found her stride in this relationship type. I have to admit it makes more and more sense to me.

    At first poly seemed to be a wild ride, a way to have multiple girlfriends or not totally commit. It was a defense mechanism. As I’m slowly growing and maturing with multiple relationships I’ve come to realize what it could mean as a lifestyle as an ongoing thing. There’s a fear there for certain, of losing your partner, of not having someone ‘committed’ to you until they die. I don’t know I suppose poly people do get married and then continue to be poly, so maybe you can have your cake and eat it too.

    The foundational idea that you can love more than one person at once is a difficult one. I love Bonnie in a different way, it’s more fondness than passion and I love our friendship and how easy it is to be with her. We can let loose in a way I can’t with anyone else. With Jessie it’s certainly more passionate and at the forefront. While this is happening, while we’re both expressing our love for each other and smiling like idiots at each other, we’re both going on dates as well. Why? We’ve committed to not being the other persons ‘only’ partner, neither of us wants the standard monogamous escalator that carries us inevitably toward marriage, death or breakups. We’re trying to honor our choices, I believe, to live a different way. I appreciate that. It’s not to say I don’t feel jealous at times or have difficulties but there it is.

  • Adam 7:57 am on December 12, 2016 Permalink |  

    Started Hormone replacement therapy. It’s slow going but it seems to be helping. I decided today I need to start working out again. Like asap. Wish me luck

  • Adam 12:53 am on November 2, 2016 Permalink |
    Tags: , , new girl, , polyamory,   

    Hormones and Half-Truths 

    Well it’s been a long time but I wanted to update with my life. It seems a lot has changed… and a lot hasn’t.

    I’ve had a hell of a time with Meds, with Hormones, with backlash and energy. I backslid for months, having no energy. Gaining weight, getting nothing done. Feeling empty, hollow. Finally I went in for a lot of testing with the doctor’s. Came to a few conclusions.

    1. Either by proxy of being overweight or backlash from the hair loss medication or both. My testosterone is officially low. Like bad low. Like I can’t live a normal life, have normal energy levels, or a functioning sex-drive low.

    2. Possibly due to the above or just my proclivity for depression. I am full blown depressed. I started back on Wellbutrin and my psychiatrist immediately upped my dosage. In some ways this has been very helpful. My energy is higher, my appetite is lower, and my general mood is better – if a little “flat” at times – generally it’s working. This also causes anxiety and occasionally surprising bouts of anger.

    Despite all this, I met someone new. Believe it or not she found me on OK Cupid and made the first move / contact. Her name is Jessie and I really like her. She’s fascinating. She’s a lot like me. She’s very pragmatic, careful with her feelings, she’s divorced, my age and is also new to the East Bay and is currently re-inventing her life. She’s generally very positive, very smart, witty and also works in tech at a higher level than I do.

    In a lot of ways she’s the perfect woman. At least for me, for now. She’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s driven, she’s got so many similarities to my situation it’s uncanny.

    Despite my being in a funk, dealing with medication, having a sex drive that’s incredibly iffy, we managed to form a relationship. I guess you would call her my girlfriend. I’m still dating Bonni as well and when Jessie came into the picture it overhauled my life a bit. I introduced Bonni to Jessie, I had discussions with each of them about polyamory & open relationships and we all came to an amicable agreement and are on the same page. Basically, I have 2 girlfriends. I see Jessie about once a week and Bonni about once every two weeks. It’s not enough to fill the void of loneliness sometimes, but I tell myself that’s not the point anyway.

    It felt like a fresh start. I’ve been terrified for two years of falling into the same trap. Of just finding someone, giving them all my love and being destroyed again. Partially out of self preservation i’ve avoided commitment, avoided labels. Once I had 2 people I genuinely cared about it caused a ripple. I felt much more comfortable committing to TWO people than one. Not putting all my eggs in one basket? Just proving that I’m not doing the same things again? I don’t know but it was very comforting actually.

    I’ve grown closer and closer with Jessie, I genuinely like her and I can see some kind of future with her. She’s very careful though, sometimes in the same way. She keeps her distance at times, she takes a lot of time to herself. I try to follow her example and do the same. Not lose myself in someone. Keep my identity, not just go overboard. It’s helpful but at times I wonder if she feels what I feel. I try to just go with it, to enjoy the time and the company and not have deep expectations. That’s all I can do and it’s probably for the best.

    After having a lot of feelings flying through the air, I hadn’t though of Carrie very much for a while. Then I ended up seeing her at an event in San Francisco. We said Hi briefly and I met her current boyfriend and she met Jessie briefly and we went on with our day. It was all of 5 minutes. The next day Carrie texted me and told me it was nice to see me.

    I can’t explain it but I was filled with rage. Regret. Angst. Suddenly a ton of the things she had done came crashing home. Refusing contact, refusing to try, refusing to be my friend, refusing to acknowledge the pain she caused or that it even deserved to exist. Telling me time and again that we’d probably “never talk” or “never be friends”. SO much of that I took with good grace and just nodded my head to when it happened. Suddenly, maybe with my first real relationship(s)? coming to fruition I was overwhelmed with anger.

    My therapist told me a while ago that you go through the cycles of grief over and over. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. That it’s not a straight line and you will dive back into each of them at different times. I’ve chalked it up to that. I recognize there’s no value in expressing my anger to her. I didn’t respond and we haven’t talked since. I just let it lie. It was all I could do.

    Maybe it was the reality of seeing her with someone new, he seemed like a quiet young dude. I’m sure he’s perfectly nice. I have no animosity towards him. I don’t know him at all. I don’t feel like this is the case but I also feel it’s worth acknowledging as a possibility. I don’t know all the reasons I feel like I do. That’s just how I felt. I know i’m not totally over her. I still cry, I still wake up thinking about her. I think finding someone that really gets under my skin has awoken a lot of that.

    That’s part of the reason I’m back here. Writing. It’s not always about Carrie, it’s my life and where it’s going. It’s what’s going on with me. I don’t have a therapist currently and the only thing I can think of to help is SOME form of therapy. Which is this. I’ll try to be more up to date. There’s lots of other things to cover.

  • Adam 8:51 pm on July 8, 2016 Permalink |  

    Let’s Just Assume for the Moment 

    Let’s just assume for the moment, that every time I write in here, it’s a victory.

    I don’t have a therapist currently, I miss mine sometimes. I also don’t miss the feelings it would evoke every week. But I spend too much time carefully nothing thinking about it.

    I’ve had some additional trouble with meds lately. I was taking a hair loss medication, partially to combat a side effect from the antidepressants which caused some additional hair thinning. My doctor gave it to me almost off-handedly. Here you go, take these once a day.

    I haven’t felt like myself in a long time and I decided to stop all meds. This is the only one I was still on. So I stopped taking it. Almost immediately I started having harsh side effects. Total lack of sex drive, brain fog, being emotional, feeling very off.

    I went in for testing and did some research online. Turns out the medication fucks with your hormones. And that after stopping I seem to have had a testosterone crash. I gained a lot of weight in a month, I’ve had emotional crying jags. I’ve had almost completely no sex drive. I’m kind of terrified at my body right now.  The tests show my testosterone as below normal. I have another appointment to find out more, but it’s a waiting game to see if it gets better on its own or if i managed to damage my body’s balance. Another challenge to tackle.

    In the meantime my emotions have grown and run rampant. I cry 3 times as much, I get overcome with emotion at every turn.

    more to follow…

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