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  • Adam 4:54 am on October 30, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: angry, , counseling, despair, destroyed, friendship, hate, , , sobbing, ,   

    Revenge is a Dish Best not Served at all 

    In my many musings, I often would think of every worst case scenario. I thought of Carrie fucking everyone from my best friend to random female strangers and male strippers. I knew on some level that I had struck a huge blow by cheating and that she was not only hurt, but DEVASTATED.

    I’ve noticed this odd behavior of hers but couldn’t chalk it up to more than anger and grief. We finally went to our first session of couples counseling and it went as well as could be expected. There was tears and re-visiting everything that’s happened.

    Afterward, Carrie told me she had a confession. She’d slept with one of my friends. Not just any friend but a sad, depressed, wreck of a guy whom I had made great efforts to just bring back into my life. I won’t gossip on here with names in that manner. Suffice to say it struck a huge blow. She had ‘done it back to me’ the pain I suffered the hurt, it all came home for me.

    I felt a taste, a bitter pang of everything she must have felt when this happened. It made me hate myself a little, it made me hate her a little.

    I’m proud of myself. I took it well. I heard her out, I didn’t get angry or freak out. I simply told her that I had considered a possibility like this already, and already reached my conclusion. It doesn’t matter. I won’t let that derail me. I still love her, I still want to be with her. Meaningless, depressed, anger/revenge sex is just a shot across the bow. A bit of comfort, and a bit of fuck you too.

    On some level I think I deserve it. I hurt her so deeply that I can’t really point the finger back at her. She’s got me so soundly in a corner that all I can do is focus on the bigger picture. She’s my wife, she’s incredibly important to me, she’s the person I’d like to spend my life with. This too shall pass.

    I told her – “I still love you, I still want to make this work, and I don’t hate you” I told her how I understand how things like this happen, better than anyone – I understand. Reaching out in despair and sadness for sexual comfort is, after all, exactly how I got in this situation. I almost feel like maybe now she understands my sadness, how this could happen. I know how this can eat away at you and I told her I’m glad she was honest and I’m glad it’s off her chest.

    The next day the backlash hit me like a storm. One minute I’m driving the car, the next I’m sobbing like a child. The next I’m raging, screaming at the sky, the road, god, the devil. Why? Why do I deserve this? What have I done wrong? God it’s me being a hypocrite. But it still hurts, it still cuts so deep my heart is missing a huge piece.

    I felt empty, sad, out of steam, out of energy. Like I’ve tried so hard and had this thrown in my face after doing everything right, everything noble. Changing my life, facing my problems head-on while she drinks and fucks my friend and cries.

    I killed the friendship. I wrote him a simple short letter and said I can’t abide a friend who would do this. That our friendship is over. I don’t hate him, I know he’s just self-absorbed, damaged, depressed. But he’s not healthy, he’s a wreck and a wreck who will burn down his closest friends for a moment of comfort. I’m better off without him. Still I’m down another friend in this long road to redemption. If it ever comes.

    • The next day. My friend Jay told me that he’d talked to Carrie. That he thinks I’m barking up the wrong tree. That she flat-out doesn’t want to be in the relationship. That she wants to be single, hurt, damaged and irresponsible. I’m torn. I’m so torn right down the middle. I never ever want to abandon her. Despite the hurt I’ve caused I love her like I love my own soul. I will never let her fall if I can catch her. But she won’t let me.

    I ranted, screamed, hated, cried and cried again. But I did it all myself. I didn’t unload on her. I left it on a positive note. Then I scheduled our next couples therapy. All that’s left to find out, after all this. Is if she’ll go again. I’m beyond hoping for a quick fix, I’m past thinking this will be easy in any way whatsoever. I’m just moment to moment. Week to week.

    Tomorrow I’ll find out if she’s going to still try, if she’s willing to go again. It’s not an ultimatum. I’m just going to ask, to tell her. “I want this, I want you. Please go with me. ” and she will or she won’t. ¬†My life has hung in the balance so many times, I’m too drained to hope. I’m too damned to pray. I’m just staying on my path. Being healthy, being whole. Trying to find my wife again, in this mess we call life.

  • Adam 5:03 am on October 16, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: angry, communication, , dreams, , , phone problems, ray of light, talking   

    We Talked 

    Well we talked today. Carrie has been having trouble with her phone and her account has become so complex that I felt like anyone else trying to sort it out would make it worse.

    I offered to come by and take care of it, I was surprised she let me honestly. But I went down there and she sat in the room with me while I backed up and fixed her phone. She started asking questions. Things my therapist had said to me, I think she wanted to know if I had any answers. I told her I didn’t, but I told her some thoughts that I had.

    Eventually we started talking, we talked for over 2 hours I think. Some of it good, some bad. A lot of hurt and anger. She’s unwilling to unload it all on me, she doesn’t want to be a hurtful person. She doesn’t want to let this turn her into someone that does damage just because she’s hurting. It’s this good-ness inside of her, this desire to only love that is both a roadblock and the reason I love her so deeply.

    I told her I would take the anger, the hurt, that I’ve earned it, that I deserve it, and that she deserves to let me feel it. She told me that she still needs to keep her distance, that she has to go through her own process and that she needs to feel like her mistakes are her own for now and her victories.

    I worry for her constantly, but I understand. If there’s one thing this experience has given me, it’s empathy. I have such a deep well of understanding. There’s nothing quite like destroying your own life to help you stop judging other people’s.

    It’s still the longest conversation we’ve had in a month, since this all started. It felt good to finally hear some things, even though they’re bad. God I miss her already and the whole time I just wanted to grab her and hold her and tell her it would be okay. But we’re past the platitudes, we’re holding tight to reality so we don’t lose grip of it.

    I love her, I know that much, and this is likely to be a long road for me. I just hope and I pray every single day, that she’s at the end of it. In the meantime, I’ll back to eating right, exercising and hoping. I have a lot to tell my therapist.

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