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  • Adam 3:18 am on October 10, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: body, crying, floating, forgetting, mind, soul, , swimming   

    The World is Heavy 

    I went swimming today. There was 30 minutes where I was floating, swimming, breathing, gasping. It was peaceful because it was the only part of my day when I couldn’t think. The endless back and forth and exertion seemed to wipe away the capability of complex thought.

    I wish I could swim all day. I wish I could float forever. Just having one short window of my day when I’m not thinking of her is like letting my brain catch it’s breath.

    Afterward, of course. The thoughts came back. I miss her, I miss her so much it pulls my heart to the bottom of my chest. My face falls, my eyes stick downward. I can barely focus. I feel scared to drive. My job is just to do me, to work on myself. I keep telling myself that.

    God I love her. I don’t know how I can ask her to forgive me. I can’t seem to forgive myself.  I will try to know it’s possible.

  • Adam 3:24 am on October 3, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: crying, downtime, , free time, , slacking, , weekends   

    Weekends Are Not My Friend 

    I used to look forward to weekends. I guess during the week I still do. I don’t know what to do with the free time. I woke up today and I had nothing to do. I starting thinking about Carrie and got insanely depressed very quickly. It seems like every day it sinks in more and the lack of contact wears down what little defense I have left.

    I’m sure on some level she wants to punish me, for me to hurt and get what I deserve. I fear even more that she’s not. She’s not trying to hurt me, just to move on. To recover. My greatest fear right now is that she will realize she doesn’t need me. Realize that I was nothing but a drain on her time, her energy, her life.

    I do remember the good times. I constantly tried to encourage her, to make her feel better, to keep her spirits up. I tried to be a good listener. I spent years working on it. I wasn’t the worst husband in the world. I was often difficult, but I do love her and I did try to let her know that constantly.

    I fear that so many things have been washed away. This is the last straw. I guess I didn’t even know I was near a precipice when I decided to toss the dice on my whole life. I can’t help but realize day in and day out my many mistakes.

    How long I took and took in the relationship before I took too much. Before I looked for comfort elsewhere. I was so unhappy with my body, with my life. Just like with Carrie I took that happiness from outside myself. Now deep in the throes of regret I find myself  making promises. I would never let that happen again. I will change my life. I will be a better person.

    Then the REAL backlash sets in. You’ve proven you’re dependant on someone else. You’ve proven that with a crutch, you’ll never learn to walk. If she took me back tomorrow it wouldn’t be the best thing for me. It would give me back a crutch that would let me limp again instead of finally learning to walk. The worst pain I feel every day is that Carrie will forget me, move past me, replace me. What I can just see behind that pain is the bigger issue. You couldn’t go back even if she let you. You have to do this for yourself. It doesn’t matter what she does.

    Every day is worse, when I thought it would get better. I cried for an hour today and when it passed I was so desperate to go anywhere and do anything to get away from it. I don’t know how much worse it can get. Until I’m paralyzed by grief. Then maybe I’ll get over this and start a life without her. That seems even worse.

    I wish I had a positive message to offset this. Some glimmer of hope. But the more clearly I see, the more I see there isn’t any, and there can’t be. I’m alone, I deserve it. Let’s become a person that never has to go through this again. Something I cling to again and again. Let’s become better. I just wish it wasn’t alone.

  • Adam 8:38 pm on October 1, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: austere, crying, i miss carrie, lonely, monk, moving, process, , zen   

    Hours in a Day 

    There’s only so many hours in a day. This is often something I lament and other times I am grateful for it.

    Some days are harder than others. I exercise every day. In an effort to keep things fresh and find things that work I’ve been trying everything. Low-key basketball, walks, hikes, swimming.

    I’ve got an appointment to play golf this weekend. I’m 33 years old and I’ve never golfed in my life. I’ve never even WANTED to golf. Here I am trying new things. This cheers me up. To know I’m embracing opportunities and experimenting. I’ve come to enjoy swimming more and more. I’ve also gotten better at pushing myself during workouts without killing myself.

    I moved out last week. When Carrie and I last talked she told me I’d have to move out. She gave me 30 days but also asked that I not be around in the meantime. Really what it meant was get out now and get the rest of your stuff later.

    I don’t resent her for it. God knows what it would be like in the same house all the time. I’m staying with a friend for now. They gave me a futon for sleeping, a desk for my computer and a shelf for my belongings. I’ve never been so grateful and so happy to have such essentials. Everything I own of importance fit into my car and now it’s on that futon, that desk and those shelves.

    It puts me in the mind of a Zen Monk. I’m stripped of my comfort, my zone, my home. My king sized bed a fond-memory as my feet press against the end of the futon bed I sleep on now. My massive television and surround sound is replaced by a phone next to my bed. I welcome this. I embrace it.

    When you need to learn harsh lessons, it’s best not to be able to fall into old patterns. While I look up at the empty vaulted ceiling above my futon I feel like I’m getting the constant reminder I need.

    Last night I pulled up photos of our wedding. I cried silently as I watched Carrie’s face frozen in joy from frame to frame. God it was only 2 years ago. I dedicate myself each night and remind myself to fight. Fight for this. I cannot fail.

    The changes I make are difficult to decipher. I’m doing them for myself, I’m doing them even if she never comes back. But half my heart is gone. Half my soul is back there waiting. Everything I do, I do alone, but inside she’s always with me. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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