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  • Adam 5:46 pm on April 7, 2017 Permalink
    Tags: breakup, depression, dumped, failure, , ,   

    How the World Ended Again 

    I tried to summarize what happened with Jessie in a forum recently and rather than write it all out twice I’m putting it in here as well.

     


    I’m not even sure how to write this out. I had a relationship end recently. When we first got together she identified herself as Solo-Poly and already had a partner. He exited the picture (due to drama) about a month in. For the next 6 months we had an amazing relationship. We grew very close, we expressed Love for each other and it meant a huge amount to me. She was always careful about keeping her distance and not spending more than a few days a week together and I was totally fine with that because I liked that we retained our independence.
     
    After things settled into a fairly normal routine it seems like she immediately withdrew. She started making questionable decisions, and dating 3-4 new people in the space of 2 weeks. Ignoring me 6 out of 7 days a week and generally being dismissive and uncaring. When we were together things seemed fine. So i told myself that I’m just concerning myself with her time that isn’t my business, that she cares she’s just caught up with other things.
     
    Eventually I pointed out that how extremely I’m ignored during the other 6 days a week was hurtful to me, and I got a lecture about poly and independence and told that she’s simply ‘busy’ and doesn’t have time to chat. I told her that some of her decisions were questionable and she became very defensive and pulled away more. After a big discussion, she told me that she really loves me and sees a future for us, and that we can enable each other to continue to experiment and live our lives. It sounded kind of grand and sweet and I felt better.
     
    Then I kept getting ignored, I would send messages checking in, saying hi, saying sweet things, I would get back a one word response, or hours of delay. We would say goodnight every night and suddenly she started forgetting to more and more. It seemed like I would reach out and she would pull away more and more. Finally I had to speak up again. I said that I felt ignored and uncared for 6 out of 7 days a week and that simply hurt me and made me feel bad.
     
    She told me that she needed space to think and I gave her a day, then she asked for the whole weekend, then she said we could talk saturday, then it became sunday. Finally on sunday after just sitting on this conversation for 4+ days I was a wreck. I asked her if we could please meet face to face to discuss on sunday. She told me she ‘had plans’ and maybe could do a phone call in the evening. I was shocked, I’d been waiting in the wings for days with a real grievance and a real hurt. I asked again if we could meet face to face. She told me she had plans and wouldn’t have time. I told her that I cancelled my plans that weekend to give her space and maybe she could do the same for me. She refused. I was extremely hurt, I begged her to do this for me because I couldn’t stand all the waiting and she accused me of being dramatic, impatient and told me I was ‘making it worse’. I eventually had enough, and out of anger, I told her that we’re done and I blocked her on facebook.
     
    The next day I felt horrible, and I apologized and I offered to give us a few weeks to reset (which she had proposed at some point) and she agreed. A few days into the 2 weeks she asked to meet and told me she considered the romance ‘dead’ and that she wasn’t sure if we could get it back or not. I asked if we could continue to take the two weeks and discuss again. She agreed. A few days later she just called and told me that she had to draw her own boundaries and that we’re completely done. Maybe again someday, who knows, but for now we’re done.
     
    This whole thing crushed me. It came from me speaking up about feeling hurt and ignored, in return I was ignored for 4 more days and then treated like shit. It occurred to me that during our whole relationship that I had constantly put in effort and gone above and beyond to surprise her, delight her and make her happy, and that she had never – once – done that for me. She only did what was convenient. When I pointed this out on occasion she would tell me that we can talk about whatever I want, but that she was always going to do whatever she wanted. Never a compromise, never an effort outside convenience, over 8 months total. We had amazing chemistry, we had “love” but I feel like she never really knew what that meant and that it means some effort and some compromise. She seems to think it meant ‘we can share something 1 day a week’.
     
    Afterwards I heard similar stories from people dating solo-poly people. Calling (some of) them ‘experience chasers’ and that seemed to fit the bill. She always wanted to do ‘everything’ and to not be held back in any way by anyone. I respected the sense of adventure and courage that went with that, but I’ve felt betrayed by being told I’m loved, and then treated like I’m simply not. I feel like if she wanted the kind of relationship that was only convenient then we shouldn’t have let it get to that level. I don’t know my point here, I’m just absolutely devastated and I miss her. But I’ve committed to saying nothing for a few months to let the feelings die down. She seems like she’s fine and doesn’t care and is going on with her life and told me ‘take all the time you need’. So here I am… Processing. Angry, Hurt, Sad, many other things… Would appreciate any feedback.
     
  • Adam 1:45 pm on December 3, 2014 Permalink
    Tags: anger, betrayal, depression, graciousness, gratitude, , , , optimism, , rising above, tests   

    The Endless Tests 

    The tests in life don’t come when you’re doing well. They don’t come when you can handle it. They come and kick you in the face when you’re already bleeding and crying on the ground.

    Carrie told me she wanted a divorce and that she couldn’t trust me. I accepted it with as much grace as I could. The only thing I asked for us to be friends and to be civil was for her to respect my feelings, to stop sleeping with my former friend and just to respect each other.

    A week later I found out that she’s still doing it, she’s still running around with this disgusting person. I’ve come to realize how this is all very ‘teenager’ this is – how things were in high school – and I thought I’d lived a life away from all that. I thought I’d married an adult and now all I see is this child before me, lashing out, hurting, destroying herself and dirtying herself.

    I told her I don’t want to talk to her again. It ripped my heart out for what seemed like the 20th time in these last few months. I’ve realized that I can’t handle it, I can’t wait patiently to be kicked while I’m already down. I have to get away, I have to separate. I’ve always understood removing myself from unhealthy situations. I just never thought my own wife would be one.

    When I first found out I was consumed with rage. A sick twisting rage that I could scarcely recognize myself in. The thoughts that ran through my mind were darker and darker. I wanted to hurt her, I wanted to hurt him. I wanted them both to suffer.

    I’ve come to realize they already are. That in hindsight, with time, she’ll look back at how stupid and immature this whole dangerous mess has been. I’m sure she’ll be consumed with regret – maybe not for me, but for herself –  and knowing the depths of it, I can almost pity her. My Mother says that underneath anger is always “Hurt, fear, and frustration” I see that now. I feel the hurt, deeply. I’m scared that she’s already forgotten me and I’m frustrated that her promises mean nothing.

    Most of all I’m ashamed of myself. I have worked constantly to improve, to analyze, reflect. To own my mistakes and to have empathy for the people around me. I want to be a person who doesn’t crack under pressure, who can rise above, not just grudgingly but with wings of joy buoying me beyond petty problems.

    I have so far to go. I cancelled all our mutual accounts and while that dark sick part of me screamed to pull it all out from underneath her, I simply notified her, and did it cleanly. I never poured the hate in  my heart onto her, I held back from saying 1000 things i might regret. Not for our future, that looks like it’s gone. But things I would regret in my soul. Hurting someone else, wreaking hot-blooded revenge and reveling in pain is not what I’m about.

    Forgiveness is a skill and a challenge. Anger is a hot weight against your chest, and both can be hard to master. I’m seeing after everything that’s happened, that I’m only a fraction of the way up the mountain. I find myself grateful. Life has tested me, and tested me and tested me. I remain alive, I remain a gracious person. I want love in my heart, and I want to live in joy and gratitude.

    To be honest, I’m crushingly depressed. But I’m working out, I’m losing weight, I’m re-gaining lost friends. I’m re-filling my antidepressants tomorrow and I’m going to start looking for work and a new home. I want to be honest. With myself and other people. For so long I’ve hidden so much, afraid of what people will think.

    I’d rather they think I’m steadfast, straightforward, significant and bold. I want more than ever to be the kind of person I admire in others. To know deep down that my secrets are laid bare, that I have overcome fear, hatred, adversity, hurt, loss, grief and remain standing, smiling, arms spread for the winds of change.

    I burn for this, the more I lose, the more I have of myself. Life has cast me from every comfort and every lie I’ve wrapped myself in. I should be thankful. I get to discover and breathe a whole new life. Every test I’ve endured, I’ve passed. I’m still standing. I still love. I still feel.

     
  • Adam 2:25 am on October 9, 2014 Permalink
    Tags: battle, depression, , downhill, , heavy, scared,   

    It Doesn’t Seem to get Easier 

    I was supposed to go to a depression workgroup today. My therapist recommended it. I showed up and it was 32 women and myself. The room was overcrowded and a disorganized and bored looking women starting explaining a 10 week class with homework and worksheets and all sorts of stuff. I felt stifled and uncomfortable.

    After the introduction she gave some alternatives and let some people leave. I took the alternative. I’m going to try a six session class and see if that’s a little more palatable. I think it’s an okay compromise and I’m can’t imagine it’s worse.

    Each day I’m struck with how things don’t seem easier. I seem to get heavier (emotionally) my workouts have been more difficult, it may have something to do with my medication.  I felt such an uplift after I finally heard something from Carrie that for a few days I was so happy not to be going insane that even the bad news I received still was a relief.

    Now the further reality sets in. God I miss her. I see her face, I smell her. I pat the bed where she should be. I’m constantly afraid that she will forget me, replace me, move on. I love her deeply and I have had to realize that my hurtful actions struck her more than I ever imagined. I question whether or not I even deserve her. But I do want to become the person that deserves her.

    Every day I’m filled with doubt, every day I’m scared. I don’t know how much of a life like this I can stand. I tell myself I have to be strong. Start acting like that person that I need to be someday.

     
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