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  • Adam 1:30 am on October 23, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: days, distance, , fear, , minutes, passing, repitition, routine, , time   

    Uncomfortably Familiar 

    I feel like I’m floating. I have this routine and I’ve fallen into it. Work, Work out, Eat right, go to therapy, watch a movie, go to sleep.

    There’s not much variety, although I’m trying to make weekend plans when I can. I guess I’ve focused for a good long time on my own pleasure and on distracting myself constantly. I think I deserve a little boring and a little routine. Part of growing up I tell myself.

    My routine is becoming too comfortable. I miss Carrie and so much time is passing I cry less and less. Then I cry because I don’t cry as much. I’m afraid she will forget me, move on, realize a life without me isn’t so bad. I miss her terribly but I’ve spent so much time alone I’m almost not sure what companionship is like. I feel alone with my friends, I feel alone by myself. I just feel alone.

    I try to fulfill my duties. Carrie and I are supposed to start couples therapy on Monday. We’ll see how that goes. I know that I’d do anything, I know that I will throw my heart and soul into trying. I just worry that she won’t, and it will all fall apart.

    Trust in hope, trust in love. Trust. That thing I used to have unquestioningly from Carrie. I now have to rely on. I really did do this to myself.

  • Adam 5:03 am on October 16, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: , communication, distance, dreams, , , phone problems, ray of light, talking   

    We Talked 

    Well we talked today. Carrie has been having trouble with her phone and her account has become so complex that I felt like anyone else trying to sort it out would make it worse.

    I offered to come by and take care of it, I was surprised she let me honestly. But I went down there and she sat in the room with me while I backed up and fixed her phone. She started asking questions. Things my therapist had said to me, I think she wanted to know if I had any answers. I told her I didn’t, but I told her some thoughts that I had.

    Eventually we started talking, we talked for over 2 hours I think. Some of it good, some bad. A lot of hurt and anger. She’s unwilling to unload it all on me, she doesn’t want to be a hurtful person. She doesn’t want to let this turn her into someone that does damage just because she’s hurting. It’s this good-ness inside of her, this desire to only love that is both a roadblock and the reason I love her so deeply.

    I told her I would take the anger, the hurt, that I’ve earned it, that I deserve it, and that she deserves to let me feel it. She told me that she still needs to keep her distance, that she has to go through her own process and that she needs to feel like her mistakes are her own for now and her victories.

    I worry for her constantly, but I understand. If there’s one thing this experience has given me, it’s empathy. I have such a deep well of understanding. There’s nothing quite like destroying your own life to help you stop judging other people’s.

    It’s still the longest conversation we’ve had in a month, since this all started. It felt good to finally hear some things, even though they’re bad. God I miss her already and the whole time I just wanted to grab her and hold her and tell her it would be okay. But we’re past the platitudes, we’re holding tight to reality so we don’t lose grip of it.

    I love her, I know that much, and this is likely to be a long road for me. I just hope and I pray every single day, that she’s at the end of it. In the meantime, I’ll back to eating right, exercising and hoping. I have a lot to tell my therapist.

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