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  • Adam 1:30 am on October 23, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: days, , doubt, fear, , minutes, passing, repitition, routine, , time   

    Uncomfortably Familiar 

    I feel like I’m floating. I have this routine and I’ve fallen into it. Work, Work out, Eat right, go to therapy, watch a movie, go to sleep.

    There’s not much variety, although I’m trying to make weekend plans when I can. I guess I’ve focused for a good long time on my own pleasure and on distracting myself constantly. I think I deserve a little boring and a little routine. Part of growing up I tell myself.

    My routine is becoming too comfortable. I miss Carrie and so much time is passing I cry less and less. Then I cry because I don’t cry as much. I’m afraid she will forget me, move on, realize a life without me isn’t so bad. I miss her terribly but I’ve spent so much time alone I’m almost not sure what companionship is like. I feel alone with my friends, I feel alone by myself. I just feel alone.

    I try to fulfill my duties. Carrie and I are supposed to start couples therapy on Monday. We’ll see how that goes. I know that I’d do anything, I know that I will throw my heart and soul into trying. I just worry that she won’t, and it will all fall apart.

    Trust in hope, trust in love. Trust. That thing I used to have unquestioningly from Carrie. I now have to rely on. I really did do this to myself.

  • Adam 2:25 am on October 9, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: battle, , doubt, downhill, , heavy, scared,   

    It Doesn’t Seem to get Easier 

    I was supposed to go to a depression workgroup today. My therapist recommended it. I showed up and it was 32 women and myself. The room was overcrowded and a disorganized and bored looking women starting explaining a 10 week class with homework and worksheets and all sorts of stuff. I felt stifled and uncomfortable.

    After the introduction she gave some alternatives and let some people leave. I took the alternative. I’m going to try a six session class and see if that’s a little more palatable. I think it’s an okay compromise and I’m can’t imagine it’s worse.

    Each day I’m struck with how things don’t seem easier. I seem to get heavier (emotionally) my workouts have been more difficult, it may have something to do with my medication. ¬†I felt such an uplift after I finally heard something from Carrie that for a few days I was so happy not to be going insane that even the bad news I received still was a relief.

    Now the further reality sets in. God I miss her. I see her face, I smell her. I pat the bed where she should be. I’m constantly afraid that she will forget me, replace me, move on. I love her deeply and I have had to realize that my hurtful actions struck her more than I ever imagined. I question whether or not I even deserve her. But I do want to become the person that deserves her.

    Every day I’m filled with doubt, every day I’m scared. I don’t know how much of a life like this I can stand. I tell myself I have to be strong. Start acting like that person that I need to be someday.

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