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  • Adam 3:24 am on October 3, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: , downtime, failing, free time, , slacking, , weekends   

    Weekends Are Not My Friend 

    I used to look forward to weekends. I guess during the week I still do. I don’t know what to do with the free time. I woke up today and I had nothing to do. I starting thinking about Carrie and got insanely depressed very quickly. It seems like every day it sinks in more and the lack of contact wears down what little defense I have left.

    I’m sure on some level she wants to punish me, for me to hurt and get what I deserve. I fear even more that she’s not. She’s not trying to hurt me, just to move on. To recover. My greatest fear right now is that she will realize she doesn’t need me. Realize that I was nothing but a drain on her time, her energy, her life.

    I do remember the good times. I constantly tried to encourage her, to make her feel better, to keep her spirits up. I tried to be a good listener. I spent years working on it. I wasn’t the worst husband in the world. I was often difficult, but I do love her and I did try to let her know that constantly.

    I fear that so many things have been washed away. This is the last straw. I guess I didn’t even know I was near a precipice when I decided to toss the dice on my whole life. I can’t help but realize day in and day out my many mistakes.

    How long I took and took in the relationship before I took too much. Before I looked for comfort elsewhere. I was so unhappy with my body, with my life. Just like with Carrie I took that happiness from outside myself. Now deep in the throes of regret I find myself  making promises. I would never let that happen again. I will change my life. I will be a better person.

    Then the REAL backlash sets in. You’ve proven you’re dependant on someone else. You’ve proven that with a crutch, you’ll never learn to walk. If she took me back tomorrow it wouldn’t be the best thing for me. It would give me back a crutch that would let me limp again instead of finally learning to walk. The worst pain I feel every day is that Carrie will forget me, move past me, replace me. What I can just see behind that pain is the bigger issue. You couldn’t go back even if she let you. You have to do this for yourself. It doesn’t matter what she does.

    Every day is worse, when I thought it would get better. I cried for an hour today and when it passed I was so desperate to go anywhere and do anything to get away from it. I don’t know how much worse it can get. Until I’m paralyzed by grief. Then maybe I’ll get over this and start a life without her. That seems even worse.

    I wish I had a positive message to offset this. Some glimmer of hope. But the more clearly I see, the more I see there isn’t any, and there can’t be. I’m alone, I deserve it. Let’s become a person that never has to go through this again. Something I cling to again and again. Let’s become better. I just wish it wasn’t alone.

  • Adam 8:48 pm on September 24, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: break, business, entrepeneur, failing, , , pause, , reprieve, short,   

    Phase 6: A Short Reprieve 

    During a solid year of my unemployment, Carrie worked constantly and made good money. Her wrist would hurt, her back would hurt. She was a pet groomer with her own business and it’s active, hard work. She kept us afloat, paid for dinners, paid for groceries, paid for everything. While I blew my meagerly unemployment checks and under-the-table work on treats for myself, gadgets, video games and distractions. I tried starting my own business but in retrospect, it was stupid. I think about what Carrie went through to start her company, the long hours and the endless questioning and fear. The setbacks and the heartache.

    I think inwardly, I was proud of Carrie and maybe even a bit jealous and I wanted to show that I could do what she had. I tried starting my own Web Design company. I got a business license. I opened a business checking account and I did everything you’re supposed to do to start a business. In my head I could imagine myself on the phone 12 hours a day hard-selling myself.

    To be honest I wasn’t really up to selling my self. My work ethic was lax at best and my work was decent but not anything exciting. I think I just loved the idea of being my own boss. To do what Carrie had done and to be proud of something I created. I managed to get a few clients and talk a lot about it. The spirit was willing, the flesh was weak. Eventually I stopped trying.

    I stumbled through some work projects and told myself I was doing okay. I argued with Carrie a lot and eventually after months of this I got buried under a deep fuzzy blanket of pure depression. The likes of which I hadn’t felt since my Dad died. I would get up at 10am, stumble to my desk, check emails and pretend to work for 2 hours. Then I would abandon the facade and just play video games for 5-6 hours.

    Carrie would come home, exhausted, upset, and tired. I would be dying for human company and spoiling for a fight. I would claim that I was working too. That I was working hard. Just so I wouldn’t feel so guilty. She would complain and I would complain right back.

    I was so desperate to support this lie – that I was also having a difficult day – that I would refuse to help her with anything. Claiming that I was ‘also tired’ and she would have to do more and more every day to keep the household stumbling along, cleaning, laundry, running her own business. While I sulked and pretended not to play video games.

    At some point I got so depressed I just couldn’t move. I couldn’t even play games. I was just wander around in a funk and watch movies. I was really scraping bottom. It was only after a week of that that I realized I desperately needed to change something.

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