Uncomfortably Familiar 

I feel like I’m floating. I have this routine and I’ve fallen into it. Work, Work out, Eat right, go to therapy, watch a movie, go to sleep.

There’s not much variety, although I’m trying to make weekend plans when I can. I guess I’ve focused for a good long time on my own pleasure and on distracting myself constantly. I think I deserve a little boring and a little routine. Part of growing up I tell myself.

My routine is becoming too comfortable. I miss Carrie and so much time is passing I cry less and less. Then I cry because I don’t cry as much. I’m afraid she will forget me, move on, realize a life without me isn’t so bad. I miss her terribly but I’ve spent so much time alone I’m almost not sure what companionship is like. I feel alone with my friends, I feel alone by myself. I just feel alone.

I try to fulfill my duties. Carrie and I are supposed to start couples therapy on Monday. We’ll see how that goes. I know that I’d do anything, I know that I will throw my heart and soul into trying. I just worry that she won’t, and it will all fall apart.

Trust in hope, trust in love. Trust. That thing I used to have unquestioningly from Carrie. I now have to rely on. I really did do this to myself.