The World is Heavy 

I went swimming today. There was 30 minutes where I was floating, swimming, breathing, gasping. It was peaceful because it was the only part of my day when I couldn’t think. The endless back and forth and exertion seemed to wipe away the capability of complex thought.

I wish I could swim all day. I wish I could float forever. Just having one short window of my day when I’m not thinking of her is like letting my brain catch it’s breath.

Afterward, of course. The thoughts came back. I miss her, I miss her so much it pulls my heart to the bottom of my chest. My face falls, my eyes stick downward. I can barely focus. I feel scared to drive. My job is just to do me, to work on myself. I keep telling myself that.

God I love her. I don’t know how I can ask her to forgive me. I can’t seem to forgive myself. ¬†I will try to know it’s possible.