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  • Adam 1:30 am on October 23, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: days, , , fear, hours, minutes, passing, repitition, routine, , time   

    Uncomfortably Familiar 

    I feel like I’m floating. I have this routine and I’ve fallen into it. Work, Work out, Eat right, go to therapy, watch a movie, go to sleep.

    There’s not much variety, although I’m trying to make weekend plans when I can. I guess I’ve focused for a good long time on my own pleasure and on distracting myself constantly. I think I deserve a little boring and a little routine. Part of growing up I tell myself.

    My routine is becoming too comfortable. I miss Carrie and so much time is passing I cry less and less. Then I cry because I don’t cry as much. I’m afraid she will forget me, move on, realize a life without me isn’t so bad. I miss her terribly but I’ve spent so much time alone I’m almost not sure what companionship is like. I feel alone with my friends, I feel alone by myself. I just feel alone.

    I try to fulfill my duties. Carrie and I are supposed to start couples therapy on Monday. We’ll see how that goes. I know that I’d do anything, I know that I will throw my heart and soul into trying. I just worry that she won’t, and it will all fall apart.

    Trust in hope, trust in love. Trust. That thing I used to have unquestioningly from Carrie. I now have to rely on. I really did do this to myself.

  • Adam 3:24 am on October 3, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: , downtime, , free time, hours, slacking, , weekends   

    Weekends Are Not My Friend 

    I used to look forward to weekends. I guess during the week I still do. I don’t know what to do with the free time. I woke up today and I had nothing to do. I starting thinking about Carrie and got insanely depressed very quickly. It seems like every day it sinks in more and the lack of contact wears down what little defense I have left.

    I’m sure on some level she wants to punish me, for me to hurt and get what I deserve. I fear even more that she’s not. She’s not trying to hurt me, just to move on. To recover. My greatest fear right now is that she will realize she doesn’t need me. Realize that I was nothing but a drain on her time, her energy, her life.

    I do remember the good times. I constantly tried to encourage her, to make her feel better, to keep her spirits up. I tried to be a good listener. I spent years working on it. I wasn’t the worst husband in the world. I was often difficult, but I do love her and I did try to let her know that constantly.

    I fear that so many things have been washed away. This is the last straw. I guess I didn’t even know I was near a precipice when I decided to toss the dice on my whole life. I can’t help but realize day in and day out my many mistakes.

    How long I took and took in the relationship before I took too much. Before I looked for comfort elsewhere. I was so unhappy with my body, with my life. Just like with Carrie I took that happiness from outside myself. Now deep in the throes of regret I find myself  making promises. I would never let that happen again. I will change my life. I will be a better person.

    Then the REAL backlash sets in. You’ve proven you’re dependant on someone else. You’ve proven that with a crutch, you’ll never learn to walk. If she took me back tomorrow it wouldn’t be the best thing for me. It would give me back a crutch that would let me limp again instead of finally learning to walk. The worst pain I feel every day is that Carrie will forget me, move past me, replace me. What I can just see behind that pain is the bigger issue. You couldn’t go back even if she let you. You have to do this for yourself. It doesn’t matter what she does.

    Every day is worse, when I thought it would get better. I cried for an hour today and when it passed I was so desperate to go anywhere and do anything to get away from it. I don’t know how much worse it can get. Until I’m paralyzed by grief. Then maybe I’ll get over this and start a life without her. That seems even worse.

    I wish I had a positive message to offset this. Some glimmer of hope. But the more clearly I see, the more I see there isn’t any, and there can’t be. I’m alone, I deserve it. Let’s become a person that never has to go through this again. Something I cling to again and again. Let’s become better. I just wish it wasn’t alone.

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