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  • Adam 5:46 pm on April 7, 2017 Permalink
    Tags: breakup, , dumped, failure, jessie, ,   

    How the World Ended Again 

    I tried to summarize what happened with Jessie in a forum recently and rather than write it all out twice I’m putting it in here as well.

     


    I’m not even sure how to write this out. I had a relationship end recently. When we first got together she identified herself as Solo-Poly and already had a partner. He exited the picture (due to drama) about a month in. For the next 6 months we had an amazing relationship. We grew very close, we expressed Love for each other and it meant a huge amount to me. She was always careful about keeping her distance and not spending more than a few days a week together and I was totally fine with that because I liked that we retained our independence.
     
    After things settled into a fairly normal routine it seems like she immediately withdrew. She started making questionable decisions, and dating 3-4 new people in the space of 2 weeks. Ignoring me 6 out of 7 days a week and generally being dismissive and uncaring. When we were together things seemed fine. So i told myself that I’m just concerning myself with her time that isn’t my business, that she cares she’s just caught up with other things.
     
    Eventually I pointed out that how extremely I’m ignored during the other 6 days a week was hurtful to me, and I got a lecture about poly and independence and told that she’s simply ‘busy’ and doesn’t have time to chat. I told her that some of her decisions were questionable and she became very defensive and pulled away more. After a big discussion, she told me that she really loves me and sees a future for us, and that we can enable each other to continue to experiment and live our lives. It sounded kind of grand and sweet and I felt better.
     
    Then I kept getting ignored, I would send messages checking in, saying hi, saying sweet things, I would get back a one word response, or hours of delay. We would say goodnight every night and suddenly she started forgetting to more and more. It seemed like I would reach out and she would pull away more and more. Finally I had to speak up again. I said that I felt ignored and uncared for 6 out of 7 days a week and that simply hurt me and made me feel bad.
     
    She told me that she needed space to think and I gave her a day, then she asked for the whole weekend, then she said we could talk saturday, then it became sunday. Finally on sunday after just sitting on this conversation for 4+ days I was a wreck. I asked her if we could please meet face to face to discuss on sunday. She told me she ‘had plans’ and maybe could do a phone call in the evening. I was shocked, I’d been waiting in the wings for days with a real grievance and a real hurt. I asked again if we could meet face to face. She told me she had plans and wouldn’t have time. I told her that I cancelled my plans that weekend to give her space and maybe she could do the same for me. She refused. I was extremely hurt, I begged her to do this for me because I couldn’t stand all the waiting and she accused me of being dramatic, impatient and told me I was ‘making it worse’. I eventually had enough, and out of anger, I told her that we’re done and I blocked her on facebook.
     
    The next day I felt horrible, and I apologized and I offered to give us a few weeks to reset (which she had proposed at some point) and she agreed. A few days into the 2 weeks she asked to meet and told me she considered the romance ‘dead’ and that she wasn’t sure if we could get it back or not. I asked if we could continue to take the two weeks and discuss again. She agreed. A few days later she just called and told me that she had to draw her own boundaries and that we’re completely done. Maybe again someday, who knows, but for now we’re done.
     
    This whole thing crushed me. It came from me speaking up about feeling hurt and ignored, in return I was ignored for 4 more days and then treated like shit. It occurred to me that during our whole relationship that I had constantly put in effort and gone above and beyond to surprise her, delight her and make her happy, and that she had never – once – done that for me. She only did what was convenient. When I pointed this out on occasion she would tell me that we can talk about whatever I want, but that she was always going to do whatever she wanted. Never a compromise, never an effort outside convenience, over 8 months total. We had amazing chemistry, we had “love” but I feel like she never really knew what that meant and that it means some effort and some compromise. She seems to think it meant ‘we can share something 1 day a week’.
     
    Afterwards I heard similar stories from people dating solo-poly people. Calling (some of) them ‘experience chasers’ and that seemed to fit the bill. She always wanted to do ‘everything’ and to not be held back in any way by anyone. I respected the sense of adventure and courage that went with that, but I’ve felt betrayed by being told I’m loved, and then treated like I’m simply not. I feel like if she wanted the kind of relationship that was only convenient then we shouldn’t have let it get to that level. I don’t know my point here, I’m just absolutely devastated and I miss her. But I’ve committed to saying nothing for a few months to let the feelings die down. She seems like she’s fine and doesn’t care and is going on with her life and told me ‘take all the time you need’. So here I am… Processing. Angry, Hurt, Sad, many other things… Would appreciate any feedback.
     
  • Adam 7:50 am on February 6, 2017 Permalink
    Tags: , fight, insecurity, jealousy, jessie, party, , veronica   

    Sometimes it’s Sunny When it’s Raining… 

    It’s raining and it’s been raining nonstop for days. Honestly couldn’t care less. I’m not out in it. I’ve had a good weekend. A lot to cover and I wanted to decompress. This is my therapy and i’m in need of more of that.

    Firstly, Jessie and I had a kind of fight. It’s actually taught me a lot. For some background, a month or so ago she told me she was going to ‘hook up’ with her ex boyfriend (Blake) back in LA. She was going for a visit to some friends and was very blunt and honest about what her intentions were. I admire how honest and forthright she is. However it came across as kind of blunt and I didn’t react well. Some of this was jealousy some of it was just feeling that she was being insensitive.

    We had a discussion and she told me, it’s just a hookup, there’s no emotional involvement. When she came back, she told me that they didn’t use protection which is a breach of trust for us. We have agreed in the past to be protected with anyone that isn’t tested and a regular partner. So while she’s perfectly within her rights to hookup with whomever she wants, that was a big blow. Also she told me that things had gotten emotional and they would be pursuing some level of relationship. All of it hurt and rubbed me the wrong way. I originally took out my anger and feelings on Blake. Not wanting to blame Jessie I shifted my mistrust and blame to him. It’s kind of a classic guy move, I know.

    At the time i swept my feelings under the rug and decided to forgive her. However a month later she told me out of nowhere that she was spending Valentines with Blake. It had nothing to do with the holiday just timing-wise it’s what worked. To be honest i had completely assumed we were going to be hanging out on Valentines. I didn’t ask or check but there was no reason to think anyone else was going to take precedence. It hit me pretty hard, it brought up all the feelings from before. I blamed Blake again in my mind and I got really upset.

    At the time I recognized that I was getting more upset than was called for. It was triggering for me I think from a lot of my past experiences with Carrie and other women. I told Jessie that i needed space, I pushed her away and I was kind of rude to her. She was offended and not happy about it. After taking a day or two to cool down I started talking with friends, posting on poly support groups and trying to find the root of my reaction. I also met with Jessie. Luckily I had JUST enough time to kind of figure it out.

    I realized that 99 percent of this was insecurity, and trust issues and that 99 percent of it lay within me. When Jessie did make a mistake she told me immediately. Beyond that she had done nothing wrong. Instead I was finding fault, inventing reasons and finding ways to be justified to be angry. This led to a deep introspection where I tried very hard to look at my core, to take ownership of my reactions and my feelings. Acknowledge the source of these problems was the initial breach of trust, and that it cascaded into a lot of dramatic behavior. When we did speak she felt the need to set me straight about a few things.

    She is Solo/Poly which means that she doesn’t have a ‘primary’ partner, that I’m not going to live with her, or take precedence over anyone else. I’m her partner, and we love each other. But she owes me no obligation for anything. She doesn’t owe me any holidays, she is under no obligation to see me next week or next month for that matter. She is allowed to date whoever she wants, whenever she wants. She cares about me and my feelings but she is very firm on her independence. I think she had a long 14 year relationship and the feeling of not being ‘tied down’ is next to godliness in her opinion. I do understand, frankly.

    Anyway all this had already been said in so many terms but was driven home. I started to doubt our relationship, that I mattered to her, it set me off on another tangent. I had to start looking at what kind of relationship I was signing up for. What we meant to each other what kind of boundaries i would have to lay out for myself to be okay with all of this. I decided that I loved Jessie and that I want it to work. But also that it means honoring what I’ve signed up for. If I’m poly, if I’m having multiple partners and the possibilities of sharing real LOVE with more than one person that I would have to change my paradigm of what a relationship is.

    I’ve also realized that I’ve been putting all my eggs in one basket so to speak. Things with Bonni are low key and we’re both busy with our partners who are nearby and so really I just thought of Jessie as my girlfriend and to be honest was living in a little bit of a fantasy about it. I’ve started to renew my interest in dating, in seeing possibilities, and in studying what it means to be in this kind of relationship. I’m working on my jealousy, my insecurity and once I managed to identify all this I felt 1000 times better. I realized that Blake isn’t my problem, he’s just some guy and only around every few months for a day or so. He’s a drop in the bucket. I offered to meet with him, bury the hatchet, have coffee and see that he’s not a horrible person. Jessie appreciated that although she worried that I was asking to ‘approve her partners’ I set her straight that I’m making a nice gesture and her choices are still her own.

    So I’ve come through a wall of jealousy, I hurt Jessie’s feelings and I acted like a bit of an ass. After I got over myself we had another talk and things went much better. She told me about her intention to also do some dating in the near future and I was fine with it. After both of us walking on eggshells for a few weeks and doubting everything that we are to each other we finally got back on a positive track. We hung out last week to go bowling and play pool. Just the two of us. It was a total blast. I remember thinking I should have done these things with Carrie. I never wanted to go out and if I did I always wanted our friends to be there. We almost never did anything just the two of us. I think because of the issues we had I didn’t really want to be vulnerable with Carrie. I’m not really sure honestly. I just know I resisted it in the past.

    So we had a cute silly date, it was a total blast. We both expressed afterwards how we felt much better about us and our relationship and we seemed to be going back in a good direction. It was a huge weight off my chest. This past weekend I had my first ‘party’ at my house. I had a game night where several people came over and played Cards Against Humanity. I had a great time and didn’t need to drink or do any drugs and I didn’t feel weird about it. Just sipped my sparkling water and cracked jokes and had a great time. Jessie did too. I met a beautiful poly girl who is dating another friend of mine. We instantly had some chemistry however we didn’t talk much. I reached out today and got a really good response. Might be something, might not but it was a good feeling. It reminded me that I also have this freedom and that I”m not burning anyone, hurting anyone, I’m not cheating or doing anything wrong. I can date, I can meet people too. I can pursue or not pursue opportunity as I see fit. I still love Jessie and I’ve come to realize that I can do that and still have room for more love in my heart.

    It’s opened some doors in my brain. One, that I still have a lot to learn about poly. Two, that I am capable of more than I thought. Three, that I have really learned and applied some coping skills that will change how the rest of my life will be going forward. Four, that I’m just scratching the surface of the kind of life I could have. With relationships, with love, with life. Whenever things get serious I think of Carrie too sometimes. I have so many regrets. So many things I know now that would have made everything go a different direction. I wish I could share that feeling with her. But I keep her out of my life now. I’ve shut a door on that chapter and even though it hurts to think about. I’ve left the door closed for now, for who knows long? I find myself happy right now. Full of hope, full of love, full of discovery. I’m re-writing the script for my life and just starting to see how much power I have in that.

    Long post, long week. Gotta work tomorrow and do some more thinking and some more writing soon.

     
  • Adam 12:53 am on November 2, 2016 Permalink
    Tags: , jessie, new girl, , polyamory,   

    Hormones and Half-Truths 

    Well it’s been a long time but I wanted to update with my life. It seems a lot has changed… and a lot hasn’t.

    I’ve had a hell of a time with Meds, with Hormones, with backlash and energy. I backslid for months, having no energy. Gaining weight, getting nothing done. Feeling empty, hollow. Finally I went in for a lot of testing with the doctor’s. Came to a few conclusions.

    1. Either by proxy of being overweight or backlash from the hair loss medication or both. My testosterone is officially low. Like bad low. Like I can’t live a normal life, have normal energy levels, or a functioning sex-drive low.

    2. Possibly due to the above or just my proclivity for depression. I am full blown depressed. I started back on Wellbutrin and my psychiatrist immediately upped my dosage. In some ways this has been very helpful. My energy is higher, my appetite is lower, and my general mood is better – if a little “flat” at times – generally it’s working. This also causes anxiety and occasionally surprising bouts of anger.

    Despite all this, I met someone new. Believe it or not she found me on OK Cupid and made the first move / contact. Her name is Jessie and I really like her. She’s fascinating. She’s a lot like me. She’s very pragmatic, careful with her feelings, she’s divorced, my age and is also new to the East Bay and is currently re-inventing her life. She’s generally very positive, very smart, witty and also works in tech at a higher level than I do.

    In a lot of ways she’s the perfect woman. At least for me, for now. She’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s driven, she’s got so many similarities to my situation it’s uncanny.

    Despite my being in a funk, dealing with medication, having a sex drive that’s incredibly iffy, we managed to form a relationship. I guess you would call her my girlfriend. I’m still dating Bonni as well and when Jessie came into the picture it overhauled my life a bit. I introduced Bonni to Jessie, I had discussions with each of them about polyamory & open relationships and we all came to an amicable agreement and are on the same page. Basically, I have 2 girlfriends. I see Jessie about once a week and Bonni about once every two weeks. It’s not enough to fill the void of loneliness sometimes, but I tell myself that’s not the point anyway.

    It felt like a fresh start. I’ve been terrified for two years of falling into the same trap. Of just finding someone, giving them all my love and being destroyed again. Partially out of self preservation i’ve avoided commitment, avoided labels. Once I had 2 people I genuinely cared about it caused a ripple. I felt much more comfortable committing to TWO people than one. Not putting all my eggs in one basket? Just proving that I’m not doing the same things again? I don’t know but it was very comforting actually.

    I’ve grown closer and closer with Jessie, I genuinely like her and I can see some kind of future with her. She’s very careful though, sometimes in the same way. She keeps her distance at times, she takes a lot of time to herself. I try to follow her example and do the same. Not lose myself in someone. Keep my identity, not just go overboard. It’s helpful but at times I wonder if she feels what I feel. I try to just go with it, to enjoy the time and the company and not have deep expectations. That’s all I can do and it’s probably for the best.

    After having a lot of feelings flying through the air, I hadn’t though of Carrie very much for a while. Then I ended up seeing her at an event in San Francisco. We said Hi briefly and I met her current boyfriend and she met Jessie briefly and we went on with our day. It was all of 5 minutes. The next day Carrie texted me and told me it was nice to see me.

    I can’t explain it but I was filled with rage. Regret. Angst. Suddenly a ton of the things she had done came crashing home. Refusing contact, refusing to try, refusing to be my friend, refusing to acknowledge the pain she caused or that it even deserved to exist. Telling me time and again that we’d probably “never talk” or “never be friends”. SO much of that I took with good grace and just nodded my head to when it happened. Suddenly, maybe with my first real relationship(s)? coming to fruition I was overwhelmed with anger.

    My therapist told me a while ago that you go through the cycles of grief over and over. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. That it’s not a straight line and you will dive back into each of them at different times. I’ve chalked it up to that. I recognize there’s no value in expressing my anger to her. I didn’t respond and we haven’t talked since. I just let it lie. It was all I could do.

    Maybe it was the reality of seeing her with someone new, he seemed like a quiet young dude. I’m sure he’s perfectly nice. I have no animosity towards him. I don’t know him at all. I don’t feel like this is the case but I also feel it’s worth acknowledging as a possibility. I don’t know all the reasons I feel like I do. That’s just how I felt. I know i’m not totally over her. I still cry, I still wake up thinking about her. I think finding someone that really gets under my skin has awoken a lot of that.

    That’s part of the reason I’m back here. Writing. It’s not always about Carrie, it’s my life and where it’s going. It’s what’s going on with me. I don’t have a therapist currently and the only thing I can think of to help is SOME form of therapy. Which is this. I’ll try to be more up to date. There’s lots of other things to cover.

     
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