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  • Adam 1:45 pm on December 3, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: anger, betrayal, , graciousness, gratitude, , , love, optimism, , rising above, tests   

    The Endless Tests 

    The tests in life don’t come when you’re doing well. They don’t come when you can handle it. They come and kick you in the face when you’re already bleeding and crying on the ground.

    Carrie told me she wanted a divorce and that she couldn’t trust me. I accepted it with as much grace as I could. The only thing I asked for us to be friends and to be civil was for her to respect my feelings, to stop sleeping with my former friend and just to respect each other.

    A week later I found out that she’s still doing it, she’s still running around with this disgusting person. I’ve come to realize how this is all very ‘teenager’ this is – how things were in high school – and I thought I’d lived a life away from all that. I thought I’d married an adult and now all I see is this child before me, lashing out, hurting, destroying herself and dirtying herself.

    I told her I don’t want to talk to her again. It ripped my heart out for what seemed like the 20th time in these last few months. I’ve realized that I can’t handle it, I can’t wait patiently to be kicked while I’m already down. I have to get away, I have to separate. I’ve always understood removing myself from unhealthy situations. I just never thought my own wife would be one.

    When I first found out I was consumed with rage. A sick twisting rage that I could scarcely recognize myself in. The thoughts that ran through my mind were darker and darker. I wanted to hurt her, I wanted to hurt him. I wanted them both to suffer.

    I’ve come to realize they already are. That in hindsight, with time, she’ll look back at how stupid and immature this whole dangerous mess has been. I’m sure she’ll be consumed with regret – maybe not for me, but for herself –  and knowing the depths of it, I can almost pity her. My Mother says that underneath anger is always “Hurt, fear, and frustration” I see that now. I feel the hurt, deeply. I’m scared that she’s already forgotten me and I’m frustrated that her promises mean nothing.

    Most of all I’m ashamed of myself. I have worked constantly to improve, to analyze, reflect. To own my mistakes and to have empathy for the people around me. I want to be a person who doesn’t crack under pressure, who can rise above, not just grudgingly but with wings of joy buoying me beyond petty problems.

    I have so far to go. I cancelled all our mutual accounts and while that dark sick part of me screamed to pull it all out from underneath her, I simply notified her, and did it cleanly. I never poured the hate in  my heart onto her, I held back from saying 1000 things i might regret. Not for our future, that looks like it’s gone. But things I would regret in my soul. Hurting someone else, wreaking hot-blooded revenge and reveling in pain is not what I’m about.

    Forgiveness is a skill and a challenge. Anger is a hot weight against your chest, and both can be hard to master. I’m seeing after everything that’s happened, that I’m only a fraction of the way up the mountain. I find myself grateful. Life has tested me, and tested me and tested me. I remain alive, I remain a gracious person. I want love in my heart, and I want to live in joy and gratitude.

    To be honest, I’m crushingly depressed. But I’m working out, I’m losing weight, I’m re-gaining lost friends. I’m re-filling my antidepressants tomorrow and I’m going to start looking for work and a new home. I want to be honest. With myself and other people. For so long I’ve hidden so much, afraid of what people will think.

    I’d rather they think I’m steadfast, straightforward, significant and bold. I want more than ever to be the kind of person I admire in others. To know deep down that my secrets are laid bare, that I have overcome fear, hatred, adversity, hurt, loss, grief and remain standing, smiling, arms spread for the winds of change.

    I burn for this, the more I lose, the more I have of myself. Life has cast me from every comfort and every lie I’ve wrapped myself in. I should be thankful. I get to discover and breathe a whole new life. Every test I’ve endured, I’ve passed. I’m still standing. I still love. I still feel.

  • Adam 4:54 am on October 30, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: , , counseling, despair, destroyed, friendship, hate, love, , sobbing, ,   

    Revenge is a Dish Best not Served at all 

    In my many musings, I often would think of every worst case scenario. I thought of Carrie fucking everyone from my best friend to random female strangers and male strippers. I knew on some level that I had struck a huge blow by cheating and that she was not only hurt, but DEVASTATED.

    I’ve noticed this odd behavior of hers but couldn’t chalk it up to more than anger and grief. We finally went to our first session of couples counseling and it went as well as could be expected. There was tears and re-visiting everything that’s happened.

    Afterward, Carrie told me she had a confession. She’d slept with one of my friends. Not just any friend but a sad, depressed, wreck of a guy whom I had made great efforts to just bring back into my life. I won’t gossip on here with names in that manner. Suffice to say it struck a huge blow. She had ‘done it back to me’ the pain I suffered the hurt, it all came home for me.

    I felt a taste, a bitter pang of everything she must have felt when this happened. It made me hate myself a little, it made me hate her a little.

    I’m proud of myself. I took it well. I heard her out, I didn’t get angry or freak out. I simply told her that I had considered a possibility like this already, and already reached my conclusion. It doesn’t matter. I won’t let that derail me. I still love her, I still want to be with her. Meaningless, depressed, anger/revenge sex is just a shot across the bow. A bit of comfort, and a bit of fuck you too.

    On some level I think I deserve it. I hurt her so deeply that I can’t really point the finger back at her. She’s got me so soundly in a corner that all I can do is focus on the bigger picture. She’s my wife, she’s incredibly important to me, she’s the person I’d like to spend my life with. This too shall pass.

    I told her – “I still love you, I still want to make this work, and I don’t hate you” I told her how I understand how things like this happen, better than anyone – I understand. Reaching out in despair and sadness for sexual comfort is, after all, exactly how I got in this situation. I almost feel like maybe now she understands my sadness, how this could happen. I know how this can eat away at you and I told her I’m glad she was honest and I’m glad it’s off her chest.

    The next day the backlash hit me like a storm. One minute I’m driving the car, the next I’m sobbing like a child. The next I’m raging, screaming at the sky, the road, god, the devil. Why? Why do I deserve this? What have I done wrong? God it’s me being a hypocrite. But it still hurts, it still cuts so deep my heart is missing a huge piece.

    I felt empty, sad, out of steam, out of energy. Like I’ve tried so hard and had this thrown in my face after doing everything right, everything noble. Changing my life, facing my problems head-on while she drinks and fucks my friend and cries.

    I killed the friendship. I wrote him a simple short letter and said I can’t abide a friend who would do this. That our friendship is over. I don’t hate him, I know he’s just self-absorbed, damaged, depressed. But he’s not healthy, he’s a wreck and a wreck who will burn down his closest friends for a moment of comfort. I’m better off without him. Still I’m down another friend in this long road to redemption. If it ever comes.

    • The next day. My friend Jay told me that he’d talked to Carrie. That he thinks I’m barking up the wrong tree. That she flat-out doesn’t want to be in the relationship. That she wants to be single, hurt, damaged and irresponsible. I’m torn. I’m so torn right down the middle. I never ever want to abandon her. Despite the hurt I’ve caused I love her like I love my own soul. I will never let her fall if I can catch her. But she won’t let me.

    I ranted, screamed, hated, cried and cried again. But I did it all myself. I didn’t unload on her. I left it on a positive note. Then I scheduled our next couples therapy. All that’s left to find out, after all this. Is if she’ll go again. I’m beyond hoping for a quick fix, I’m past thinking this will be easy in any way whatsoever. I’m just moment to moment. Week to week.

    Tomorrow I’ll find out if she’s going to still try, if she’s willing to go again. It’s not an ultimatum. I’m just going to ask, to tell her. “I want this, I want you. Please go with me. ” and she will or she won’t.  My life has hung in the balance so many times, I’m too drained to hope. I’m too damned to pray. I’m just staying on my path. Being healthy, being whole. Trying to find my wife again, in this mess we call life.

  • Adam 7:34 am on October 4, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: best, her beautiful face, love, , tears, the beginning, the end, the talk, worst   

    The End, The Beginning 

    I talked to Carrie today. I’ve been having anxiety and panic attacks since I wrote the letter asking for forgiveness and I reached out to her via text and I think she understood that I need some information to go on. Of course it wasn’t the information I wanted.

    I think I’ve finally been able to understand that she can’t just ‘forgive’ me. I knew it but I didn’t really know what it meant. There’s too much hurt and pride and risk to even TRY right now. She told me that she needs to move on and that the Limbo that we’re in is just killing her. I understand, it was killing me too.

    She told me that we need to be our own people right now. That she needs to be able to recover and needs to be alone and herself to do that. I need to pursue my journey and to be clear in my direction. That direction is for me and only me.

    I gave her my wedding ring, I asked her to keep it. We told each other that we both love each other and we both think that the other is our soul mate. Whatever happens. I think I’m left in a slightly different version of where I was before. That there’s too much hurt and too much pain to shake this off and that only time will tell. For now, it’s over. I feel a huge relief just having an answer, just knowing where she’s coming from. It’s 100 times better than guessing, and worrying and freaking out.

    I know I’ve made this promise to better myself, whatever else happens. I feel finally right that it is my path and my path alone. In some ways it helps to know that I’m not tempted by what-could-be, and free to make these changes for the right reasons.

    I hurt. But I’ve hurt so much and so extremely that I’m drained. I’m not able to muster the sadness that I’m sure is coming. I’m just drained. But it’s like a blister, it’s painful and it hurt like hell to open. But the absence now is some form of release and comfort.

    She wants to know that I’ll be strong, and that she doesn’t have to worry about me. I was strong. I did my best to show her that I’m doing what’s best for me. Come what may. I told her that I support her in this. That I love her no matter what. That I understand what she’s doing and why. She told me she’s taking it day by day. That she doesn’t know what the future will hold. I guess that gives me hope. That maybe someday she’ll forgive me.

    My letter was looking for a quick answer and now the reality is setting in that there isn’t one. I told her that I’ll always hope, and that there’s nothing she can do about that. But I also said that I will leave her be, and someday I’d like to be her friend. Because I’d rather be her friend and hope and hurt than to not have her in my life at all. That I fear, is a long time off. I’m scared of when it won’t hurt anymore.

    I hope to be a better person. I hope to be the kind of person she can trust again. Maybe when she can trust me again, we could one day have something. But I have to go forward, finally, accepting that it isn’t now and it’s nothing I can pursue. I feel good about how I dealt with it. I feel like I handled it as well as it could be handled, that I left her feeling like I have purpose, strength and understanding. I feel like I’ve grown up in 3 weeks and it hurts to see my childish nature die behind me. I had to grow up sometime, and it may as well be now.

    Thank you for all the help you’ve given and I’m sure I’ll need a lot more as this goes forward. At least it’s going forward, in some direction. My heart is empty, hollowed out, and I don’t know how to feel. But I did something right. I think I have that to comfort me.

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