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  • Adam 12:53 am on November 2, 2016 Permalink |
    Tags: , , new girl, , polyamory, rage   

    Hormones and Half-Truths 

    Well it’s been a long time but I wanted to update with my life. It seems a lot has changed… and a lot hasn’t.

    I’ve had a hell of a time with Meds, with Hormones, with backlash and energy. I backslid for months, having no energy. Gaining weight, getting nothing done. Feeling empty, hollow. Finally I went in for a lot of testing with the doctor’s. Came to a few conclusions.

    1. Either by proxy of being overweight or backlash from the hair loss medication or both. My testosterone is officially low. Like bad low. Like I can’t live a normal life, have normal energy levels, or a functioning sex-drive low.

    2. Possibly due to the above or just my proclivity for depression. I am full blown depressed. I started back on Wellbutrin and my psychiatrist immediately upped my dosage. In some ways this has been very helpful. My energy is higher, my appetite is lower, and my general mood is better – if a little “flat” at times – generally it’s working. This also causes anxiety and occasionally surprising bouts of anger.

    Despite all this, I met someone new. Believe it or not she found me on OK Cupid and made the first move / contact. Her name is Jessie and I really like her. She’s fascinating. She’s a lot like me. She’s very pragmatic, careful with her feelings, she’s divorced, my age and is also new to the East Bay and is currently re-inventing her life. She’s generally very positive, very smart, witty and also works in tech at a higher level than I do.

    In a lot of ways she’s the perfect woman. At least for me, for now. She’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s driven, she’s got so many similarities to my situation it’s uncanny.

    Despite my being in a funk, dealing with medication, having a sex drive that’s incredibly iffy, we managed to form a relationship. I guess you would call her my girlfriend. I’m still dating Bonni as well and when Jessie came into the picture it overhauled my life a bit. I introduced Bonni to Jessie, I had discussions with each of them about polyamory & open relationships and we all came to an amicable agreement and are on the same page. Basically, I have 2 girlfriends. I see Jessie about once a week and Bonni about once every two weeks. It’s not enough to fill the void of loneliness sometimes, but I tell myself that’s not the point anyway.

    It felt like a fresh start. I’ve been terrified for two years of falling into the same trap. Of just finding someone, giving them all my love and being destroyed again. Partially out of self preservation i’ve avoided commitment, avoided labels. Once I had 2 people I genuinely cared about it caused a ripple. I felt much more comfortable committing to TWO people than one. Not putting all my eggs in one basket? Just proving that I’m not doing the same things again? I don’t know but it was very comforting actually.

    I’ve grown closer and closer with Jessie, I genuinely like her and I can see some kind of future with her. She’s very careful though, sometimes in the same way. She keeps her distance at times, she takes a lot of time to herself. I try to follow her example and do the same. Not lose myself in someone. Keep my identity, not just go overboard. It’s helpful but at times I wonder if she feels what I feel. I try to just go with it, to enjoy the time and the company and not have deep expectations. That’s all I can do and it’s probably for the best.

    After having a lot of feelings flying through the air, I hadn’t though of Carrie very much for a while. Then I ended up seeing her at an event in San Francisco. We said Hi briefly and I met her current boyfriend and she met Jessie briefly and we went on with our day. It was all of 5 minutes. The next day Carrie texted me and told me it was nice to see me.

    I can’t explain it but I was filled with rage. Regret. Angst. Suddenly a ton of the things she had done came crashing home. Refusing contact, refusing to try, refusing to be my friend, refusing to acknowledge the pain she caused or that it even deserved to exist. Telling me time and again that we’d probably “never talk” or “never be friends”. SO much of that I took with good grace and just nodded my head to when it happened. Suddenly, maybe with my first real relationship(s)? coming to fruition I was overwhelmed with anger.

    My therapist told me a while ago that you go through the cycles of grief over and over. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. That it’s not a straight line and you will dive back into each of them at different times. I’ve chalked it up to that. I recognize there’s no value in expressing my anger to her. I didn’t respond and we haven’t talked since. I just let it lie. It was all I could do.

    Maybe it was the reality of seeing her with someone new, he seemed like a quiet young dude. I’m sure he’s perfectly nice. I have no animosity towards him. I don’t know him at all. I don’t feel like this is the case but I also feel it’s worth acknowledging as a possibility. I don’t know all the reasons I feel like I do. That’s just how I felt. I know i’m not totally over her. I still cry, I still wake up thinking about her. I think finding someone that really gets under my skin has awoken a lot of that.

    That’s part of the reason I’m back here. Writing. It’s not always about Carrie, it’s my life and where it’s going. It’s what’s going on with me. I don’t have a therapist currently and the only thing I can think of to help is SOME form of therapy. Which is this. I’ll try to be more up to date. There’s lots of other things to cover.

  • Adam 4:54 am on October 30, 2014 Permalink |
    Tags: , , counseling, despair, destroyed, friendship, hate, , rage, sobbing, ,   

    Revenge is a Dish Best not Served at all 

    In my many musings, I often would think of every worst case scenario. I thought of Carrie fucking everyone from my best friend to random female strangers and male strippers. I knew on some level that I had struck a huge blow by cheating and that she was not only hurt, but DEVASTATED.

    I’ve noticed this odd behavior of hers but couldn’t chalk it up to more than anger and grief. We finally went to our first session of couples counseling and it went as well as could be expected. There was tears and re-visiting everything that’s happened.

    Afterward, Carrie told me she had a confession. She’d slept with one of my friends. Not just any friend but a sad, depressed, wreck of a guy whom I had made great efforts to just bring back into my life. I won’t gossip on here with names in that manner. Suffice to say it struck a huge blow. She had ‘done it back to me’ the pain I suffered the hurt, it all came home for me.

    I felt a taste, a bitter pang of everything she must have felt when this happened. It made me hate myself a little, it made me hate her a little.

    I’m proud of myself. I took it well. I heard her out, I didn’t get angry or freak out. I simply told her that I had considered a possibility like this already, and already reached my conclusion. It doesn’t matter. I won’t let that derail me. I still love her, I still want to be with her. Meaningless, depressed, anger/revenge sex is just a shot across the bow. A bit of comfort, and a bit of fuck you too.

    On some level I think I deserve it. I hurt her so deeply that I can’t really point the finger back at her. She’s got me so soundly in a corner that all I can do is focus on the bigger picture. She’s my wife, she’s incredibly important to me, she’s the person I’d like to spend my life with. This too shall pass.

    I told her – “I still love you, I still want to make this work, and I don’t hate you” I told her how I understand how things like this happen, better than anyone – I understand. Reaching out in despair and sadness for sexual comfort is, after all, exactly how I got in this situation. I almost feel like maybe now she understands my sadness, how this could happen. I know how this can eat away at you and I told her I’m glad she was honest and I’m glad it’s off her chest.

    The next day the backlash hit me like a storm. One minute I’m driving the car, the next I’m sobbing like a child. The next I’m raging, screaming at the sky, the road, god, the devil. Why? Why do I deserve this? What have I done wrong? God it’s me being a hypocrite. But it still hurts, it still cuts so deep my heart is missing a huge piece.

    I felt empty, sad, out of steam, out of energy. Like I’ve tried so hard and had this thrown in my face after doing everything right, everything noble. Changing my life, facing my problems head-on while she drinks and fucks my friend and cries.

    I killed the friendship. I wrote him a simple short letter and said I can’t abide a friend who would do this. That our friendship is over. I don’t hate him, I know he’s just self-absorbed, damaged, depressed. But he’s not healthy, he’s a wreck and a wreck who will burn down his closest friends for a moment of comfort. I’m better off without him. Still I’m down another friend in this long road to redemption. If it ever comes.

    • The next day. My friend Jay told me that he’d talked to Carrie. That he thinks I’m barking up the wrong tree. That she flat-out doesn’t want to be in the relationship. That she wants to be single, hurt, damaged and irresponsible. I’m torn. I’m so torn right down the middle. I never ever want to abandon her. Despite the hurt I’ve caused I love her like I love my own soul. I will never let her fall if I can catch her. But she won’t let me.

    I ranted, screamed, hated, cried and cried again. But I did it all myself. I didn’t unload on her. I left it on a positive note. Then I scheduled our next couples therapy. All that’s left to find out, after all this. Is if she’ll go again. I’m beyond hoping for a quick fix, I’m past thinking this will be easy in any way whatsoever. I’m just moment to moment. Week to week.

    Tomorrow I’ll find out if she’s going to still try, if she’s willing to go again. It’s not an ultimatum. I’m just going to ask, to tell her. “I want this, I want you. Please go with me. ” and she will or she won’t. ¬†My life has hung in the balance so many times, I’m too drained to hope. I’m too damned to pray. I’m just staying on my path. Being healthy, being whole. Trying to find my wife again, in this mess we call life.

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