Petting the Bookcase 

I’ll start out with something that’s SO sad, that it almost comes right around to funny. I fell asleep last night petting a bookcase.  No, you read that right.

For a little explanation. I’ve had to move out of my house. Carrie doesn’t want me around and I don’t really blame her. I imagine the rift between us would be  even bigger if we were in the same house. I’m staying with my longtime/childhood friend Cliff. He doesn’t emote much, he’s a guy that kind of keeps in all inside, but I find his steady presence comforting and they’ve made a room for me in the house. Could be for a few weeks, could be for a few months. We haven’t gotten that far yet.

I have a bed, a desk, my computer, and a bookcase. It’s a rather plain and frankly ugly looking bookcase but it holds all my things pretty well.

I spoke with Karly yesterday. She’s one of Carrie’s best friends and a friend of mine. I know her whole life has been eaten up by everything that’s going on and I know she’s suffered as well. Part of me desperately wants to make amends to my friends and the people I’ve hurt in this. Mostly to Carrie but she wants nothing to do with me right now.

I reached out to Karly and we met and I told her everything that’s going on with me. Exercising every day, health classes, therapy, eating right, and at some point it turned to the events that happened. She raked me over the coals a bit (I think it’s her job as best friend of the wronged). I also made an apology. She’s been the victim of my ‘habits’ for a long time. Which are flirting, groping, and generally being overly-sexual with women. Karly herself does some of these things too, to be honest. I think this made me more bold with her than I was with most people. So she’s probably suffered my attentions way more than some.

I apologized for the way I’ve treated her and the many times I’ve made her uncomfortable. It was moderately cathartic although incredibly awkward. Mostly I’ve heard more of what I’ve been hearing “Carrie is devastated, she’s hurt, she wants nothing to do with you”.

The whole conversation left me where I started. With no additional hope. However I did reiterate that I desperately want to fight for this marriage. That I believe Carrie is the person I want to be with and that whatever I have to endure to get back in her good graces is something I will gladly take on.

Last night. I fell asleep petting a bookcase. I imagined it was her skin and her face. One of my favorite things to do was to fall asleep ‘petting’ her. I would run my fingers along her back and her sides and enjoy how soft her skin was. Occasionally she would sigh with pleasure and I would feel incredibly content.

I missed this so much I reached out to anything around me. This ugly bookcase. It’s dry and has a lumber-like texture. It doesn’t hold a candle to Carrie. It helped me fall asleep though.