Now fire walks with me… 

If life were a bully, I would have screamed “Uncle” by now.

I find out that Carrie slept with one of my lifelong friends, whom I just re-established contact with. I’ve ended the friendship. Done my best to forgive her, and to continue with couple’s therapy.

My closest friends have told me maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree, maybe it’s not going to happen, maybe it’s not meant to be. I stay strong because Carrie is worth it. She’s my wife and my partner and if my mistakes made her lose her path and possibly her damned mind. Then I have to own that, deal with it, and offer clearly and without reservation. To fix this, to stand tall and be there for her when it’s hard and not just when it’s easy.

I’m willing to put up with a lot to make it work. I can do this and I can do my part no matter how difficult. The reality sets in that I can’t do it alone. I can’t carry it for the two of us. She will need to “TRY” or all the effort in the world will just accomplish nothing and hurt us both.

I found out today that my Mother may have had a stroke. She’s at the hospital in intensive care and I don’t know what’s going to happen yet. She’s become so integral and important in my life these past few years and I’m having to imagine a life without her, it scares me beyond all reason.

Tomorrow I have couples counseling where instead of working on our marriage we’ll have to hash out that Carrie did this hateful revenge move. That she was so damaged she’s lashed out. I’ve assumed that maybe I deserve it but I don’t think anyone deserves revenge. I don’t think it’s a healthy result. I don’t think it’s right. It shakes me right down to my core.

I feel like I’ve taken one step forward and 8 steps back. My therapy session last friday was filled with hurt, with anger, and now I have to try to leave that and my worries about my mother and life at the door tomorrow and go through another hour of sitting next to Carrie and hearing how she “just doesn’t know”  if we’ll ever get back together. How much I’ve hurt her, how much she wants to hurt me back.

I’ve made this mistake. I looked for solace outside my relationship. I failed to communicate. I failed to address my problems and I failed as a husband, a lover and a friend. All I have left is success. The only thing I can do every day is be mature, noble, strong and loving. Because it’s the only thing that keeps me from giving up. From just letting myself become this bad person I’m afraid I might be. I have to know that my every step going forward is considered, intelligent and for the right reasons, or I might just stop moving.

The more I’ve stepped up, the harder life has hit me. A few months ago I worried about having a job. Today I worry about my wife, my life, my future, my mother and my very existence. I hope I’m up to the challenges life has thrown in my path. I hope I come out the other side a changed man, a better man. My childhood feels like it died 2 months ago, I don’t know what’s left to toss in the fire to forge this new life but it looks like it will take everything else I have left.