Tagged: weight loss Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • Adam 3:11 am on October 6, 2014 Permalink
    Tags: , , , , moving forward, , rock and roll, weight loss   

    Drugs, No Sex and Rock & Roll 

    Well here we are. I’ve been told we’re over and to follow my own path for now. It hurts too much to see me. Carrie needs to heal, I suppose I need to as well. I question a sane universe where 2 people who love each other deeply can’t work it out and can’t make it happen. But I did this to myself and I took my say out of the equation.

    Drugs

    I’ve avoided all drugs and I’ve quit drinking, so I have very little to fall back on. I used to smoke and when things got crazy recently I ended up smoking for a few days. When my anxiety turned into panic attacks I called my therapist. She got me an appointment with a psychiatrist and a reference for my doctor to get some temporary meds. I’m taking anti-depressants for the first time in my entire life. They’re supposed to keep me in the ‘middle of the road’ not too anxious not too depressed, kind of middle ground.

    Also to avoid smoking I picked up an e-cig (yes VAPING) but I got the fluid with absolutely no nicotine. It’s actually a nice relaxing tool and has no addictive chemicals, so I feel okay with it. It’s sort of my fake ‘bad’ habit that I can do to chill out.

    No Sex

    Of course the anti-depressants have killed my libido, it’s actually made it really difficult to even get excited. For now I’m okay with that. I don’t think I could deal with a sexual encounter, nor do I think it’s a good idea.

    Some people have already mentioned dating, and I’m just so far away from that. All I can think of is where I’m going to live, how I’m going to survive and how to keep working out every day. I’m losing weight (update: 350 pounds, down from 367 – in 3 weeks) any other time this kind of weight loss would be astounding, right now my diet is miniscule at best and I’m only concerned with keeping up a steady pace of weight loss & exercise.

    Looking forward to that, loose skin from weight loss, keeping my habits correct and forward leading. I’m not thinking about women. I do still think about Carrie and now that we’ve formally separated, I can’t help but hope and wonder. She’s being a little self-destructive with alcohol and running away from problems instead of facing them. But she’s so hurt and she’s not the one with the problem so I suppose she’s entitled to cope any way she wants. I also don’t have a say anymore but I worry about her and how she’s doing constantly.

    Rock & Roll

    Well when I wrote this clever title, I just meant that I’ve been listening to music again. For some reason all music ceased to exist for a few weeks. The radio became silent or a background drone. Every time I walked or hiked I either had deep thoughts, worry or tried to guess what Carrie was thinking.

    Now that I know what she’s thinking (nothing good about me) I started putting on headphones and jamming some tunes. For some reason Glitch Mob is great for walking pace-wise, so I’ve been enjoying a little music again. I also walked today AND went to the driving range with Cliff. It’s the closest I’ve gotten to 2 chunks of exercise in a single day. I look forward to being strong enough to *gasp* do 2 physical things in a day.

    I see the progress, I feel my body improving, and I’m digging my music. It’s all I have right now, but it will have to do.

     
  • Adam 10:55 pm on September 24, 2014 Permalink
    Tags: 20 pounds, cavalry, , , , mom, , , rescue, weight loss   

    Phase 7: Calling in the Calvary 

    Where is my Mother this whole time? Waiting patiently in New Mexico. She had basically retired and constantly worked on spiritualism, self-improvement, life-coaching and even nutrition. She was everything that I was not. She was very organized, financially responsible, spiritually attuned, and passionately healthy.

    When my Dad started to slide under, so many years ago, my Mom chose to rise above. She got versed in alcoholism, in recovery, in the spiritual side of life. She rose to massive challenges in the harshest conditions you can imagine. I respect her immensely and I never really felt like I had much to offer her, in her enlightened life. But I knew she cared and I thought she would help.

    I called and I basically spilled it all out on the table. My weight, my depression, my feelings of being lost and unsure about everything. I tried very hard to give control over to her. I didn’t believe in a higher power, but I did believe in my Mother. She was amazing. She gave great advice and in short order she had me reflecting on my life and planning my meals and working toward a better way.

    I remember feeling guilty. That I could turn to my Mom but not my own wife. Carrie didn’t have to struggle with what I did. She hadn’t been so fat that you can’t wipe yourself properly and experience the anguish that comes along with that. Being obese is impossible to describe to anyone because it’s a slow ongoing process. You make more and more discoveries about how your body has betrayed you that it’s never just ONE realization. It’s a hundred realizations over a thousand days and a million meals.

    There was a few months there, where it got better. I started walking several days a week. I changed my whole method of eating and was trying different approaches. We talked 3 days a week and she was like my trainer, my counselor and my food coach all wrapped into one.

    I lost 20 pounds.

    Eventually finances reared their ugly head. Carrie was happy that I was making changes and she even offered to pay for my rent and my bills to keep me going. I couldn’t accept that. I couldn’t deal with her suffering for me for another 6 months, or year or whatever it took, while I peevishly ate brown rice and tried to take walks.

    I was still extremely ashamed of my behavior thus far, and I couldn’t imagine continuing to be a burden. I started looking to a job and I felt like maybe I could handle that and my current path of righteousness.

     
c
compose new post
j
next post/next comment
k
previous post/previous comment
r
reply
e
edit
o
show/hide comments
t
go to top
l
go to login
h
show/hide help
shift + esc
cancel